Horse Book

  Horse Book and D&G's first compucle coincided...2000...which made production easy. All pages were A4 regardless of how much, or little rubbish they contained! Page size varies in this reproduction, however...saves space! Sales of Horse Book in a decade+.....nil!

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Horse Book 2

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CONTENTS

  TITLE ............................................................................................
  CONTENTS ...................................................................................
  INTRODUCTION .............................................................................
  1. WHAT IS A HORSE .....................................................................
  2. THE HISTORY OF THE HORSE ....................................................
  3. PRE-HISTORY ..............................................................................
  4. PHYSIOLOGY ..............................................................................
  5. AGE AND SEX ..............................................................................
  6. COLOUR .......................................................................................
  7. LOCOMOTION ................................................................................
  8. INTELLECT .....................................................................................
  9. KEEPING A HORSE .........................................................................
  10. BREEDING .......................................................................................
  11. GROOMING .....................................................................................
  12. AILMENTS .......................................................................................
  13. HORSE RIDING .................................................................................
  14. HORSE RACING .............................................................................
  15. HORSE JUMPING ............................................................................
  16. THE HORSE AND CART ................................................................
  17. HORSE RADISH ............................................................................
  18. HORSE THEFT ...............................................................................
  19. EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES ...............................................................
  20. RELATIVES OF THE HORSE ..........................................................
  21. THE HORSE WITH NO NAME .........................................................
  22. ANTIHORSE ..................................................................................
  23. THE PAST .....................................................................................
  24. THE PRESENT ...............................................................................
  25. THE FUTURE ................................................................................
  .........OR SOMETHING, (THE END IS NOT IN SIGHT) ......................

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INTRODUCTION

  Horseology, the study of horses, is a fascinating branch of zoology, despite the general absence of horses from zoos. It is also the most important and if you don’t think so you’d better think twice. If you don’t think so twice you’d better think again and ask yourself, where would Rod Roger be without Trigger, or The Lame Stranger without Silver? Or Dick Turnip without Black Bess for that matter? Sitting on a saddle on the ground and looking silly is the answer, but if you think that’s bad, think again again! What about a centaur without an arse? He wouldn’t be able to sit at all!
  Horses are not to be taken lightly, (which is why we sit on them and not the other way round), and there is more to a horse than meets the eye. All its insides for example; it’s a pretty safe bet that if you can see a horse’s small intestine there’s something wrong with it, although there could be something wrong with you.
  But this is not the place to dwell on the ailments of horses; there is another chapter that dwells there. We must get on with the horse’s tale and enter the wonderful world of the horse. As it turns out it’s the same world we live in, which is just as well otherwise we wouldn’t be able to enter it.

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CHAPTER 1.

WHAT IS A HORSE?

  Precise definitions are seldom of use in answering questions like this. Long John Silver, for example. He would have found it pretty difficult to ride a horse, but he was still a man even though he fell short of the complete physical definition. If he did fall he would of course fall long, and it goes without saying that he would stand a good chance of not standing.
  Likewise the term “quadruped”. It doesn’t go without saying, but it is of little use. After all a horse remains a horse if you saw one of its legs off. It’s an interesting question: how much of a horse could you saw off before it stops being a horse? And it is likely that it can be answered only by actually trying it. But that’s a job for experts; best not to do it yourself at home.
  So, what is a horse? The best way to find out is to go and look at one, but as has been said, zoogoing will be of little help, unless you can get the keeper to fill in the stripes on a zebra. That leaves farms and horse shops, not to mention all the other horsy possibilities, which are too numerous to mention. Pop along and see your local farmer. He will be only too happy to show you a horse, and if he isn’t then he’s just not that sort of farmer. In that case, or if you’re too shy to ask, sneak down the lane and peep into his fields. How do you know which are the horses? They’re a dead giveaway. Nothing to do with physical characteristics, it’s all down to their smug attitude. Pratting about among the sheep is typical behaviour, so is taking the piss out of the cows. These creatures make grass into wool and milk and it takes a lot of effort. What do horses do? Sod all! OK, so they make grass into horseshit, but it’s a cushy number and the cross-legged lean against a fence is a characteristically casual posture. Horses have got it made and they show it.
  Interestingly the authentic version of “Old Macdonald had a farm”, obviously of Scottish origin, has no verse about a horse. Seventeenth century crofters couldn’t afford to carry passengers, so isn’t it strange that “E,i,e,i,o”, five separately voiced vowels in English, is pronounced as a single sound in Gaelic and is exactly like a horselaugh? Yes it is.
  Some authorities have argued that…well to be honest they’re the sort that really piss people off, but the ones that haven’t argued reckon that horses were at one time used extensively on farms for ploughing. Maybe it was at two times, but it wouldn’t have applied in Scotland, both haggis and porridge being grown in sporrans.

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CHAPTER 2.

THE HISTORY OF THE HORSE

  Horses have been known for thousands of years, for as long as there have been people around to know them in fact. Nevertheless some horses remain unknown even today. You can always tell when an unknown horse goes by; people say, “Who’s that horse?”

CHAPTER 3.

PRE-HISTORY

  Before horses were known they were unknown. Before that they weren’t horses at all, they were pre-horses, (not to be confused with seahorses, which are themselves confused enough as it is).
  It is now generally believed that modern horses evolved from protohorse. “Protohorse” means, “first horse”, but this does not imply that it won The Derby. No one knows for certain how this horsevolution came about; at least no one knows whether or not anyone knows, except someone who does know, but there are two schools of thought.
  The first theory holds that horses evolved suddenly, that all at once there came “instant horse”. It’s a very simple idea. One day, or possibly one night, a very large amoeba found itself horse shaped, fell in love with grass and stayed that way.

Horse 1

Before

After

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  The theory of gradual evolution is a more complex notion and the process could have followed any of many courses. Hence the term “horses for courses”, unless otherwise.
  Many examples can be given. Alternatively they can be taken, as in the following:

  An ear evolved first, (1.), followed by a head, (2.), another ear, (3.), a neck, (4.), and so on.
  It is generally agreed that this kind of evolutionary sequence could begin at any extremity, or in the middle, and even those who disagree reckon that it could start anywhere. Horseologists are certain, however, that sequences such as:

  …..an ear, (1.), followed by another ear, (2.), would lead to two horses, not one, (3.). They would, of course, be twins and the existence of twins, (if it exists), would be compelling evidence.
  Although it is a slow process horsevolution has not ceased and experts are constantly on the lookout for signs of the next stage. That’s not all they’re on the lookout for and some of them can be found in funny places at night, but many are confident that more legs will follow, (unless they are forelegs).
  The implications for horse racing are obvious to anyone who can see what they mean. The genetically modified horse might be just around the corner, but it could have difficulty turning it. Too many legs would be more than the right number.

Horse 2

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Horse 3

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  CHAPTER 4.

PHYSIOLOGY

  Study carefully the diagram below; it will teach you quite a bit about diagrams, as long as you learn it that is. If you want to know about the parts of a horse however, it’s better to study a horse, and if you can find one that’s labelled in English you’re in with a good chance. Meanwhile the diagram below doubles as a substitute for a real horse, so it won’t do any harm to give it the once-over although there’s no guarantee that any of this is true and the author cannot accept responsibility for any harm caused to or by any horse, real or unreal. Let’s be honest, the author can accept responsibility, but he won’t.
  You might not, once the once-over is over, understand, because it’s a pretty complicated diagram, so give it the twice-over, or more as required.

  What the diagram doesn’t show is what’s inside the horse. It doesn’t show the Crown Jewels, phases of the Moon, or how to play chess either, and lets face it, as diagrams go, it doesn’t show much, but it would show even less if you didn’t face it, or at least you’d think it did. But it shows what it needs to show, apart from any omissions and what’s inside the horse is an assumption based on other horses whose insides have been examined. If the horse in the diagram is anything like those others then what’s under the skin is a horrible messy mass of tubes and goo. Yuck! Why can’t it be filled with something nice like chocolate?
  The skin has not been labelled on the diagram, but it’s basically a horse-shaped bag. Once your horse is dead you can clear out all the mess and fill it with whatever you like. If you try this while it’s alive though, your horse will probably be ill.

Second ear

First ear

Eye (Another one on other
  side)

Horse 5

Mane on neck

Body

Tail

Head

Mouth

Bum

Third leg

First leg

Fourth leg

Second leg

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CHAPTER 5.

AGE AND SEX

  There are only two sexes, male and not male, but horses can be lots of different ages and in fact are never the same age twice. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they can be the same age three times however, and they say that you can tell the age of a horse by looking at its teeth. Who the hell “they” are is a total mystery though, and quite apart from the fact that you’d be better off looking at its birth certificate, who on Earth wants to stare at the inside of a horse’s mouth? Who on any other planet for that matter, but if you can’t get hold of its birth certificate it’s probably because it’s too slippery or hot, and a more reliable method is to cut a leg off and count the rings.
  At birth and while it’s still a baby a male horse is called a foal. As it grows up it becomes a colt and then a stallion, unless it’s lucky enough to have its testicles deliberately removed along the way. On the other hand there’s the same number of fingers, but a horse that isn’t male is sometimes referred to as “female” and while very young the term “foal” is still applied, thus giving it the benefit of the doubt. After that it becomes a filly and then a mare, but it must be appreciated that all these terms are human inventions that mean the square root of bugger all and remain so in cases where it doesn’t have to be appreciated. The horses haven’t a clue what sex or age they are and as far as humans are concerned, what’s in a name? We already know the answer:

Answer = Bugger All