Horse Book

Page 9 contiued.

9.

  Some people think that ponies are juvenile horses, but they make a fundamental error. So do the people who think that, although they’re quite entitled to and it could be deliberate. But no, (or yes, if it was deliberate), a pony is a fully-grown horse that hasn’t fully grown. It’s a sort of dwarf, or midget, or pygmy, or any other word that means that. Of course “that” means “that”, but what does it mean when we say that some ponies occur naturally? Well it means that that’s the idea we wanted to get across, but there’s an implication that some ponies are artificially occurred. It’s true; special breeding techniques basically based on depriving the poor sod and/or its mother of certain essentials in its food will produce an under sized horse.
  Part of this is not fully understood, especially by thick people. After all if you stole your mother’s food it wouldn’t have much effect on your size, would it? But what if your horse is of normal size and you change your mind? All is not lost, because as we know there are lots of things that aren’t lost, but it isn’t too late either. You can reduce the size of your existing horse cheaply and easily, and what’s more you can do it yourself. It’s a question of beating it down, but it has to be beaten evenly all over, so read the manual carefully first. You’ll get the manual when you buy your pony club.

10.

  CHAPTER 6.

COLOUR

  If you know how many different colours of horse there are you’re a better man than he is, unless you’re a woman, in which case you’re worse. In fact horses come in a variety of colours. They go in the same colours too and blow me down if they don’t stand still in them as well, but I have to say that I’d rather you didn’t blow me down whether they do or don’t, although better that than blow me up, and I didn’t really have to say it. Anyway there are only two colours, black and white, brown being the third, but not necessarily in that order.
  You’ll come across other hues too, although it has to be admitted that you might not. After all, or even before, I haven’t a clue what you might be doing for the rest of your life, or for the rest of anybody else’s, but if you do run into different coloured horses blame them and tell them to get out of the way. That’ll give you a chance to notice their colour and grey, bay and chestnut* could be encountered.
  “Chestnut” means “brown” in posh speak and “bay” is of similar ilk, whereas a “grey” would be white if it were shoved into a front loader with a goodly quantity of Daz. If you don’t believe that** we’ll give you two packets of your usual powder, but what do you do about horses that are more than one colour? Dapples, piebalds and skewbalds arise when mixed herds huddle in the rain and the colours run, so washing them will only make matters worse. No, they have to be dyed and then when they are dead you can paint them whatever colour you like, or even one you don’t like, not to mention several, (that could be mentioned).
  Horses are colour blind, by the way, or anywhere along the way, and this means that they see only black and white. Brown horses are therefore invisible and the conclusion to this thread is that all horses would be invisible if they were totally blind.

* A chestnut horse is not the same thing as a horse chestnut. One belongs to the Animal Kingdom, the other to the Plant Kingdom, trees in fact. Some people think that a horse chestnut is a chestnut that’s horse-shaped. Not so. It’s a chestnut from the horse tree.

**

  There is some small print here, so small that you can’t see it. Well, at least I don’t think you can, or more accurately, I do think you can’t. What it basically says is that you have to provide conclusive scientific proof that you don’t believe it in order to receive your two packets.

11.

CHAPTER 7.

LOCOMOTION

  Strictly speaking, or even just speaking normally, the word “locomotion” means the movement of a loco, but it can be used to mean the movement of anything, which is pretty vague. As far as horses are concerned it means sod all, so it’s pointless to say it to one, (or more), but horses can move around and they generally do so by using their legs. That’s fairly obvious you might say, after all they’re not likely to use someone else’s, but did you know that it’s a wonder of horsevolution that a horse’s legs are exactly the right length to reach the ground? Well maybe you did know, but that doesn’t mean to say that you know now, and it’s even more amazing that room was left for a hoof in this feat of anatomical development. Correction: - this anatomical development of feet.
  Horses get along by moving at least one leg and generally this involves lifting it off the ground and then putting it back again somewhere else. They don’t seem to have cottoned on to the idea of sliding along, so if you see a horse skating it’s having you on, but with double the number of legs compared with humans horses have more ways of using them in combination and it could be said that they therefore enjoy more ways of locomotion. It’s complete bollocks of course, because for a start there’s no evidence to suggest that they derive any enjoyment at all and on top of that they haven’t invented trains, boats, or planes.
  Basically though a horse isn’t moving if it has more than three legs in contact with the ground at any one time and this leads to four modes of motion. If three legs are on the ground it’s walking, with two it’s trotting and galloping occurs when only one leg is on the ground. If it lifts four legs together it falls on its arse and it does this figuratively speaking, although it doesn’t actually say a word.
  Cantering is a variant of trotting where a different pair of legs is used, as shown in the following diagram:

 
 If you were a horse you wouldn’t realise you were a horse and so wouldn’t realise the things you’d realise if you weren’t a horse, i.e. if you were as you

Horse 6

Trotting

Cantering

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are, which are that there are potentially loads of different ways for a horse to use its legs in locomotion. Sequencing the legs individually there are 24 ways for 4 legs, 24 for 3, 12 for 2 and 4 for 1, reducing to 6, 8, 6 and 4 respectively if these are repeated, but with 1 and 2 together there are 12, or 24 if the remaining 1 is also used, and with 1 and 3 together 4. For 2 and 2 there are 12, but 4, 3, 2, or 1 alone amount to another 1, 4, 6 and 4 respectively and this doesn’t count any others, including the excluded combinations of “clip” and “clop”.
  Of course a horse has no way of realising any of this, let alone whether the above contains any mistakes or not, which may or may not be the reason for the limited locomotion methods observed in, but not by horses.
  If you felt inclined you could easily roll down a hill and that’s a pun if I ever heard one. In fact it’s a pun whether I heard one or not, or even more than one, but if you were a horse and didn’t realise you were a horse, enough to try rolling down a hill, your legs would snap off. That’s because you, (the horse) wouldn’t be able to fold your, (its) limbs like you, (you) can, but no horse would ever dream of doing this. One reason for this is that horses can only dream about being asleep, (except for night mares), and another is that they lack the imagination and the fact that the imagination exists somewhere else is nature’s way of ensuring that horses don’t try it.
  So the rolling horse doesn’t exist and it can therefore be seen, (or heard if someone is reading this to you), that horses only half made it in the “pop” revolution that started in the 1950’s, because the alternative would have been “Rock ‘n’ Limp”! The rocking horse is of course common, but it can’t be claimed as a means of locomotion, because it doesn’t actually get them anywhere. In truth it can be claimed, but it would be a waste of time. In fact it is and therefore saying so is too.
  What does that leave then? Potty question really. It leaves billions of things, but one is the flying horse and a lot of folk think that this is a three thousand year old Greek pet. Wrong! The winged horse too is a rock phenomenon barely old enough to have evolved since 1957. Who can forget Buddy Holly’s words? Well, anybody can if their memory fails, but he didn’t, at least until after he’d sung them. “Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty Pegasus” were the words of the hit that incorporated the myth.

13.

CHAPTER 8.

INTELLECT

  The fact that horses have no intellect is easily proved.
The study of horses is horseology and it might be thought that a horseologist studies horseology. But this isn’t so; a horseologist studies horses, whereas horseology is studied by a horseologyologist. A logical argument that vanishes to zero therefore goes as follows:
  A horseologyologyologist studies horseologyology, a horseologyologist studies horseology, a horseologist studies horses and therefore horses study nothing.
  Q.E.D.

CHAPTER 9.

KEEPING A HORSE

Keeping a horse is a rewarding experience, especially for the horse. A horse that is kept feels secure, whereas a horse that is given away gets the idea that it’s not wanted. It’s right of course, but how do you go about keeping a horse? Tell people that you don’t want to part with it is the best way, but that assumes you already have a horse. If you haven’t then pop along to your local horse shop and buy one. Look out for common faults: loose hooves, tail tangle, mane mange, etc. and then ask for money off.
  The horse that the horse shop sells you will be tame and this is important. People like horses because they are tame and that goes for you too. It’s the same with dogs, although to be honest there’s no direct evidence that dogs like horses at all. On the other hand people like dogs, so it’s probably true, and again it’s all down to being tame, but not necessarily themselves.
  By “tame” is meant “so utterly dense that you can make it do whatever you like”, and if that isn’t true you’ll eat your hat. All right, so you might eat your hat even if it isn’t false, but the fact is that no matter how you treat it a horse will do anything you tell it to do. Refusal, for example, is not an option if you order it to jump a wall and only two outcomes are possible: it creases itself on the brickwork in failure, or it succeeds only to get the smile wiped clean off its face when it realises the enormity of the drop on the other side.
  The alternative to buying is to catch your own wild horse and tame it, but a face decorated with hoof prints is the likely outcome if you use traditional methods. A better way is to take your dinner into a pantomime horse costume. You’ll need a willing partner, in fact one who’s more than willing is suggested; after all one of you will have your head up the other’s arse for the best part of a day.

14.

  Go out into the herd, pretend to eat grass and close in on your target. Slip it a sugar lump, then more, subtly increasing the dose and frequency. By the end of the day you’ll have an addict that will follow you anywhere. All you have to do now is get out of the disguise. To suggest that this should be done slowly so as to achieve a gradual metamorphosis would be to credit the horse with intelligence, but it’s probably best to be on the safe side. Actually there’s no “probably” about it; who the hell wants to be on the dangerous side?
  Once you have your horse the correct type of cage is essential. This should be neither too big, nor too small and therefore needs to be the right size. You can always tell if a cage is too large; either the horse can just walk out between the bars, or it gets completely shagged out walking from one end to the other. The point of a cage is to contain, so it is too small if it goes beyond this and begins to decrease the size of the horse.

  Another important consideration is food. If you do not feed your horse it will die. But then again there’s no guarantee that it won’t die even if you do feed it, so there’s no need to feel bad about it. So much the better if you can avoid it though, and actually it’s very simple. Horses eat fields. The more fields you can give them the better, and there are plenty of them around.

Horse 4

Too large

Too small

15.

CHAPTER 10.

BREEDING

  No-one living has ever witnessed a horse giving birth to anything but a horse. No-one dead has either, but it is possible that someone who was once alive did see such a thing, probably while they were alive.
  Putting it another way, if your horse is having a baby it’s more than likely that you’ll get another horse, but it isn’t guaranteed. After all the first horse’s parents weren’t horses, so the reverse of this might be possible is probably
  Alternatively it could be elbissop eb thgim siht*, but if you want your horse to produce babies the best way is to make the arrangements yourself. There’s no need to start buying it flowers or chocolates, but stay clear of professional horse breeders for whom this is big business. It is in fact a confidence trick, horses can actually do it for themselves and have been doing so for millions of years.
  This might seem like a long time to shag, but it’s the outcome that’s important and all you need is patience and two horses of the opposite sex. So, if you’re half the man you say you are we’ll sympathise, give half of you the benefit of the doubt and tell the other half what to do with the two female horses you’ve just acquired. One of them is redundant, so you can throw it away, or do what takes your fancy, no questions asked, while the other will require a third horse, this time a male. You might be lucky here; you might be able to borrow a male. You only need a little bit of it and then you can give it back.
  If you’re a woman of course, you should be doing the ironing, not reading this, but it wouldn’t be fair to the horses not to recognise the possibility. Every- thing would be vice-versa and back to front, but the end result should be the same, as long as you get a man to help you with these instructions.
  The rest is easy, (for a man). Arrange the two cages so that the horses can see nothing but each other for at least a week, having first removed all contraceptive devices. It’s a good idea to make sure none are available to the horses either. Then open the cages at arms length and retire immediately. Only two things can go wrong:
1. Horses lack imagination and their version of the Kama Sutra makes pretty dull reading. There’s only one position and this requires a certain minimum
  proportion in the male. In short, he must not be short, but should be of sufficient length, as well as in the leg. If he can't reach and you didn't foresee this

* Among other contenders for the exact reverse of “this might be possible” are:
  “those must be impossible”,
  “possible be might this”, and
  " "
    Write your own suggestion on a post card addressed to “Reverse Post” and you’ll know if your answer is correct when you receive a reply without having to send it in the first place.

Reverse 1
Reverse 2

16.

make sure that you have retired (a) immediately, (b) in an upright posture, and (c) facing Mr. Horse.
2. The second thing that can go wrong is any one out of hundreds of other possible things that can go wrong. They’re not too numerous to mention, but they are too numerous to be arsed with.
  Once the baby horse has been born it is important to remember that there’s plenty of time to be rid of it, so it shouldn’t be ridden on the first day. Some authorities have suggested that a week should be allowed, though this is probably an extreme upper limit.