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Pics Dill & Sno'G - L. Thinking R. Thinking about it.

SNOG

Left pic Whitesands Bay 10-6-77

Right pic Tees footbridge Barnard Castle 3-12-77

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SCENE I. Cumbria. A room in Croft Farm.
Enter SNO'G bearing his pipe.
  Sno'G.   Where's me glasses?
Enter MINTO running.
  Mint.  Here's your glasses, Dad.
  Sno'G.   Oh ta! Don't need 'em now, though. Couldn't find me baccy. Couldn't see it, but didn't need to see it, just to feel it! In me pocket all the time, ha!
  [Rubs baccy, fills and lights pipe.
  Mint.   Wow!
  Sno'G.   Mm! Oh yea! Taste it! Smell it! Only thing you can't do's hear it.
  Mint.   What a massive smoke circle!
  Sno'G.   Smoke ring, Mint. And that's nothing. Watch this!
  Mint.  Awesome, Dad!
  Sno'G.   Anywhere inside that you don't need breathing apparatus. Responsible smoking, Mint. Responsible smoking.
  Mint.  Cool!
  Sno'G.  Totally smogless. A smog-free zone.
  Mint.   Totally!
  Sno'G.  So what's your question, Mint?
  Mint.   Eh?
  Sno'G.  You're gonna ask me a question, right?
  Mint.  Right. But how did you?
  Sno'G.  Oh, dadules always know, Mint. Part of being a dadule.
  Mint.  Well.
   Sno'G.  And it isn't, why is this Act Five?
  Mint.   No. It isn't. But it's a good question. And how do you know? Again!
  Sno'G. Simps, Mint. Chances are you'll ask about the past. But even if you ask about the fyoochule.
  Mint.  The what?
  Sno'G.   Fyoochule. Fyoocher. Okay. Future, is that better? Even if you ask about the future it'll be my past experience that answers it. So we go back to earlier Acts. Okay?
  Mint.  Right. So we're in, this Act is in, the answer's future.
  Sno'G.  Krekt!
   Mint.   Tell you what it also isn't, though. It isn't, what's smog?
  Sno'G.  Which is present, but still needs.
  Mint.  It's, what's SNOG?
  Sno'G.   Eh?
  Mint.   What's SNOG?
  Sno'G.  Where d'ya get that from, Mint?
  Mint.  Well, it's the title of this play, for a start.
  Sno'G.  Right. So it is. Well spotted!
  Mint.  So what is it, Dad? What's SNOG?
  Sno'G.  Mm. Well.
  Mint.  I mean, if I'm gonna be in a play, I need to know what it is.
  Sno'G.  Mm.
  Mint.  So I can learn my lines and stuff, eh?
  Sno'G.  Oh, don't worry about your lines, Mint. You're saying 'em perfect, like.
  Mint.  Okay. But what is it, Dad?
  Sno'G.  Well. I suppose you'll need to know sometime. Some of it at least.
  Mint.  Some of it?
  Sno'G. Well, it's complicated.
  Mint. A four letter word? Complicated?
  Sno'G. There you go. Told you. On the wrong track already. It's not four letters. It's four words about seven.
  Mint. Eh?
  Sno'G. Like I said, complicated. Listen care fuelly!
  Mint. I am.
  Sno'G. It's Seven Nights Of Gorwel.
  Mint. Seven Knights Of Gorwel? [Unsheaths and brandishes imaginary sword.
  Sno'G. Nage! That would be SKOG!
  Mint. Nage? What's that?
  Sno'G. It's Welsh.
  Mint. Welsh?
  Sno'G. What they speak in Wales. And perlease don't ask me why Wales is plural!
  Mint. You mean Seven Nights, not seven days?
  Sno'G. Right. Well, it was seven days as well.
  Mint. As well?
  Sno'G. Yea.
  Mint. Not Gorwel?
  Sno'G. Yes. Gorwel as well!
  Mint. So who's Gorwel?
  Sno'G. It's not a who. It's a thingy. A cottage.
  Mint. A cottage?
  Sno'G. Krekt!
  Mint. In Wales?
  Sno'G. Spot on!  
  Mint. Sounds like a week's holiday, or something.
  Sno'G. Got it in eleven! Well done!
  Mint. In Wales, was it?
  Sno'G. Brilliant Mint! Mathry in fact.
  Mint. That's a relief. I was thinking SNOG had something to do with where I came from.
  Sno'G. Yes, well, mm. I was thinking that's what you were gonna ask me. And it does in a way, I suppose.
  Mint. Oh! How?
  Sno'G. Well, you see, you're my babule. But I wouldn't be your dadule and your mamule wouldn't be your mamule if it hadn't been for Mathrygate.
  Mint. Mathrygate? Mathry? What's all that about?
  Sno'G. Told you it was comperliculated, didn't I? There's V Day too.
  Mint. You mean D Day?
  Sno'G. No, V Day. And aM and pM.
  Mint. Morning and afternoon?
  Sno'G. No. That would be am and pm with littule lettules. This is ante Mathry and post Mathry. There's Aftermathry too!
  Mint. Flippin' 'eck, Dad. I thought it was just SNOG.
  Sno'G.  Yes, well, we all start from a snog, I suppose. But lots of things go into deciding Snog Encounters.
  Mint. Snog Encounters?
  Sno'G. Who snogs who, Mint. You know. Look, tell you what, it'll be easier if we watch it on this DVDVD.
  Mint. DVDVD? Shouldn't that be DVD, Dad? And anyway they haven't been invented yet. Can't watch the past in the present using future technology.
  Sno'G. Ah! Yea! But this is Déjà Vu DVD, past and future all mixed up! And anyway we're in a playette, so we can have what we like.
  Mint. Dad, why do you keep saying words funny?
  Sno'G. You mean wordules funnly. Tell you later. Let's watch the DVDVD. [Switches on TV.

ACT ONE

SCENE I. A hillside in Teesdale.
Enter J'PECKLE and SNO'G.
  J'Pec. What a fantastic view! Look at that!
  Sno'G. Yea. Great, isn't it? Are we lucky, or are we lucky?
  J'Pec.  Lucky lucky, I'd say. If we hadn't become fellwalkers and come to climb Mickle Fell.
  Sno'G. D'ya remember, we borrowed your dad's van?
  J'Pec. And spotted Barney as we drove down the hill.
  Sno'G. Then a month later a job at Glaxo comes up and I get it.
  J'Pec.  That's lucky lucky lucky, I reckon.
Enter NIBO and SNO'BOX running.
  Nibo. Here's some baccy for you , Dad.
  Sno'B. Here's some more. Put it in your pipe, Dad.
  Nibo. Yea, go on, Dad. Doesn't need rubbing.
  J'Pec. Don't encourage him, you two!
  Nibo. Ha! Doesn't seem to need much encouraging to me.
  Sno' G. It's not real baccy, you know. They get it from.
  J'Pec. Yea, I know. Just joking. It's the dead thingies from the tops of those tall plants. Sorrel, I think.
  Sno'B. No it's not, Dad. It's proper baccy. Honest. Put it in your pipe and light it. You'll see. Blow a big smoke hoop for us.
  Sno'G. Smoke ring, Sno'Box. Smoke ring.
  Nibo. Anulus!
  J'Pec. Nibo! Don't be rude!
  Nibo.  No. They told us at school that in Latin it's anulus.
  Sno'G. Shouldn't that be annulus? Anyway there isn't enough here for a fill.
  Sno'B. Oh, we can soon get some more. C'mon Nibo! [Exeunt Nibo and Sno'Box.
  J'Pec. Mm. You've started something now!
  Sno'G. Me? Mind you, don't know where I'm gonna put it all.
  J'Pec. Not in my pocket, that's for sure.
  Sno'G. Anyway, talking about Glaxo. I've got friendly with a bloke who works in our lab. Started a bit after me and we didn't have much to do with each other at first, but we seem to have a lot in common.
  J'Pec.  Like being stupid, you mean?
  Sno'G. Thanks a bunch! Well, yea. Suppose so. Our latest idea is to come up with a mathematical formula for calculating the exact surface area of the female thigh.
  J'Pec. Yea. Typical. Anyway you've told me all this before.
  Sno'G. Yea. I know. Just like talking about female thighs. You'd need some raw data, of course. Raw! That's good, eh? Some measurements. Not to mention a definition. I mean, where does a thigh end and other bits begin? Here, let's have a look!
   J'Pec.  Gerroff! Just behave yourself! The kids'll be back in a minute.
  Sno'G. Oooo! Sorree! Anyway, here's a bit I haven't told you. He's into electronics. How about that?
  J'Pec. So?
  Sno'G. Well, when I mentioned the other day about our band.
   J'Pec. Band? What band?
  Sno'G. The group. Our group. Nimbus Grit.
  J'Pec.  Oh. The group. Is that what you're gonna call yourselves, Nimbus Grit?
  Sno'G. Yea. Mind you our proper name is actually.
  J'Pec.  Yes, I know.
  Sno'G. The Muff Divers.
  J'Pec. Yes. Thank you. You didn't have to say it. Anyway, what about the band?
  Sno'G. This lad says he can make our amplifiers for us. Big 'uns as well.
  J'Pec. Hang on a minute. There's a girl I know. Has two kids at the school, so I see her when I'm down there with our two. Her husband's at Glaxo and messes about with stuff like that, solder and transistors and things. What's his name?
  Sno'G. TTC.
  J'Pec. That's him, I think. I'm sure that's what she said.
  Sno'G. Well, if she's called Dill it's a fair bet.
  J'Pec. She is. Dill. That's her name.
  Sno'G. Flippin' 'eck! What a coincidence!
  J'Pec. Even more of a coincidence. She's coming round to our house next Wednesday. We're gonna try out some new recipes.
  Sno'G. Cooking? Have you notified the Fire Brigade?
  J'Pec. Oh how jocular!
  Sno'G. Mm, well. I'm not so sure!
  J'Pec.  Actually, the funny bit is that you'll be giving her a lift home.
  Sno'G. What?
Enter NIBO and SNO'BOX running.
  Sno'B. Here's some more baccy for you, Dad.
  Sno'G. Ta! I haven't smoked the other lot, so we'll take it all home. Stuff it in your mam's pocket with the rest!
  J'Pec. No! Oh, flippin' 'eck! Very funny!
  Nibo. When are we gonna fly the rocket, Dad?
  Sno'G. When we get to the top of the hill, Nibo. Not long now.
  J'Pec. Yea, we've sat here long enough. Let's go!
  Sno'G. Doesn't Nibo look funny with his front teeth missing?
   Sno'B. Yea, he does! All gappy!
  Nibo. I can put my tongue right through. Look!
  Sno'G. You know how Nibo lost his teeth, don't you?
  J'Pec. Yea! Snogging the girls! [Exeunt.

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SCENE II. The beach at Southport.
Enter DOOPIDOO and SLIMBO.
  Doop. C'mon Slimbo! We're back. Look, there's our towels!
  Slim. Flippin' 'eck! That was a long walk to have a paddle.
  Doop. Yea, well the sea goes out a long way. The tide, I mean.
  Slim. Mm. Which goes out, the sea, or the tide?
  Doop. And not only that, but will it come back again?
  Slim. Yes, I reckon it will. But not today. Look how far it's got to come!
  Doop. Well, I wouldn't like to be where we are now when it does.
   Slim. Mum! Which goes out, the sea, or the tide?
Enter DILL and TTC.
  Dill. Mm. Both. The sea goes out and the tide goes out with it. You couldn't have one coming in when the other's going out, could you?
  TTC. Brilliant, Dill!
  Doop. Isn't that right, then, Dad?
  TTC. Think about it, Doopidoo. What's that you've just been paddling in, the sea, or the tide? Which can you see, the sea, or the tide?
  Slim. Yea, he's right, Doopidoo. It's the sea that goes out.
  Doop.  And comes back. So, what's the tide then?
  Dill.  The sea's tied to the tide and that's what makes it come and go.
  Slim. And you can't see the tide 'cos it's invisible string.
  Doop. Good! C'mon Slimbo! Get your spade! Let's dig! Maybe the string's under the sand.
  TTC. Shall we go and help them?
  Dill. In a few minutes. Let's have a sit down first.
  TTC. Oh, what a lovely day. This is great, isn't it?
  Dill. Mm.
  TTC. Well, that doesn't sound convincing.
  Dill. Yes. It is. It's very nice.
  TTC. But?
  Dill. But nothing. It's very nice. Sand and sea and sky.
  TTC. But we don't actually live here, you mean. Not right here by the sea.
  Dill. Well, it hasn't taken us long to get here, has it? It's not that far from Alty.
  TTC. Not that far back to Alty either.
  Dill. Same distance, I should think.
  TTC. And when we get there it's not Barney, is it? I know. I know.
  Dill. We've only been in Alty a short while, It'll take time. But, yea, I do miss Barney.
  TTC. I know you do. Barney's a very missable place.
  Dill. Very missable people too. But we have to look forward. I know you wanted to make a career in electronics and needed to move away to do it. You have to grasp your opportunities and that's what we've done. Who knows where we'll be in the future?
  TTC. Not in a house on a railway track, with any luck.
  Dill. Well, it's not actually on a railway track, is it?
  TTC. Might as well be. It's as near as you can get.
  Dill. Well, the kids think the trains are great. And by the time they've grown out of them we might not be there.
  TTC. Mm. Not sure that boys ever grow out of trains.
  Dill. What about girls?
  TTC. Takes a while for boys to grow into girls, but once they have they probably never grow out of them either.
  Dill. No. I meant trains and, yea, you know what I meant. But, hey! Do you think boys ever grow out of boats? Looks as if Doopidoo and Slimbo have made one in the sand.
  TTC. Oh, I thought it was a castle. And talking of castles, going back to Barney.
  Dill. Going back to Barney? Yea, let's!
  TTC. Well, we could. Glaxo Sports are coming up soon. We could visit Sno'G and J'Peckle for the weekend. Go and watch the Sports.
  Dill. And get tickets for the dance. Great! can you phone Sno'G at Glaxo?
  TTC. Yes, I will. Find out how the amplifiers are doing too.
  Dill. Quite loud, I've heard! But let's go and see what the boys have made.
  TTC. Wow, you two! What a super boat! Two seater too!
  Doop. It's not a boat, Dad. Does it look like a boat?
  Dill. Well, I thought it was. Dad seemed to think it was a.
  Slim. It's a car, Mum. Look! It's obvious.
  TTC. Mm. Don't like to mention it, but, where are the wheels?
  Doop.  Well, you have to use your imagination, Dad. They're under the sand.
  Slim. Mm. Don't like to mention it, but, where are your wheels, Dad?
  TTC. What? Waddya mean?
  Slim. Well, they're not under the sand. But you don't have to use your imagination to see they might as well be!
  Dill. Told you, didn't I? Told you it wasn't a good idea to drive onto the beach.
  TTC. Oh, c'mon! It'll be okay.Loads of people have driven onto the beach.
  Doop. Yea. And some of 'em seem to be geting stuck. Look at that red car over there!
  Slim. And that blue one over there. And that.
  TTC. It'll be okay. I'm telling you. Look! [Gets into car.
   Dill. I told him. Don't think we should drive onto the beach, I said.
  Doop. Especially with the tide coming in. Look!
  Slim. It's the sea, actually. Not that it makes much difference!
  TTC. Guess what?
  Dill. Don't tell me!
  TTC. We're stuck!
  Dill. Great!
  Doop. Great! 'Cos there's a chap with a tractor over there.
  Slim. Yea, great! He's pulling cars off the beach. Dad, can we?
   TTC. Not much choice in the matter, Slimbo. We'll have to go and ask him to tow us off too. C'mon!
  Doop. Oh! Wow! Awesome!
  Slim. Cool, or what! A tractor!
  Dill. Brilliant!  [Exeunt.

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ACT TWO

SCENE I. Barnard Castle. A room in 66 Victoria Road.
Enter J'PECKLE bearing a hairbrush, SNO'BOX following.
  J'Pec.  C'mon, Sno'Box! Nearly time to go.
  Sno'B. Oooh! This is the bit I like! Having my hair brushed.
  J'Pec. Your lovely, long, long hair. Now stand still while I do it. [Brushes hair.
Enter SNO'G.
  Sno'G. Gotta go, Sno'Box. Time for work. Time for one of them special goodbye kisses.
Enter NIBO bearing a schoolbag.
  Nibo. What about me?
  Sno'G. Just given you a kiss.
  Nibo. Yea. But you didn't say it was special. You never do.
  Sno'G. Nothing personal, Nibo. It's all to do with your Barnet.
  Nibo. My what?
  Sno'G. Your Barnet. Barnet Fair. Your hair.
  Nibo. My hair? So it is personal, then?
  Sno'G. Well, all right. Suppose it is. 'Cos you've got short hair and Sno'Box's is long.
  Nibo. Yea. 'Cos she's a girl.
  Sno'G. Well, it isn't just that. It's because she has it brushed for a long time.
  Nibo. Oh! Couldn't be doing with that!
  Sno'G. Well, there you go, then. You wouldn't want charging up, would you?
  Nibo. Charging up? You mean Sno'Box pays to have her hair brushed?
  Sno'G. No! Charging up with static electricity.
  Nibo. Oh, I know! We've learned about that at school. Like when you rub some glass rods with a cloth.
  Sno'G. That's it! If your mam brushes the Sno'Box Barnet for long enough, Sno'Box can end up with a zillion volts. So don't touch her!
  Nibo. Why? What would happen if I did?
  Sno'G. Well, sometimes if I kiss Sno'Box just after Barnet brushing, there's a. Tell you what. Watch! See if it happens this time.
  J'Pec. Yes. I think we're done. Her hair was lovely this morning. She must be up to at least a zillion.
  Sno'G. Okay, Sno'Box! Ready? Very gently and slowly. Slowly. Slowly.
  Sno'B. O!
  Nibo. Yes! I heard it. A tiny crack. Saw it too. A little blue spark. It jumped between your lips. Kiss her again!
  Sno'G. Won't happen again, Nibo. Not this time. She's discharged now.
  Nibo. She's got no volts left, you mean? She's lost them?
  Sno'G. Krekt! Now, better give your mam a spark-free kiss and.
  J'Pec. Spark-free! Cheek!
  Sno'G. Only in one sense, J'Peckle. [Whispers] There's plenty of spark of the sparkly kind.
  Nibo. Bye, Dad!
  Sno'B. Bye, Dad!
  Sno'G. Bye, you all! Have a good day! [Exit.
  J'Pec. Okay, you two. Are you ready to go as well?
  Nibo. Suppose so. School. Why do we have to go to school?
  J'Pec. 'Cos it's good for you. Have you got your bag, Sno'Box?
  Sno'B. It's by the door. I'll pick it up as I go out.
  J'Pec.  Okay. Come and have a kiss, then.
  Sno'B. Okay. Bye!
  Nibo. Mm. No sparks there, then! Bye!
  J'Pec. Go on with you! I'll give you sparks! Be good and work hard! Bye!  [Exeunt Nibo and Sno'Box.
  [Knock at the door.
  J'Pec. [Opening door] Oh, TTC.! It's you. What are you doing here?
  TTC. Just passng. Thought I'd call in.
  J'Pec.  Well! Mm. This is a surprise. You've just missed Sno'G. He's gone off to work. In fact you haven't picked a very good day. He's playing squash early evening. Then he's off to do the Lyke Wake Walk.
  TTC. Again? How many will that be? Anyway, I can't stay. As I said, just passing. Company business.
  J'Pec.  Twenty four, I think. I'm not completely sure, though. It might be.
  TTC. In any case I actually came to see you.
  J'Pec.  Me?
  TTC. Yes. You.
  J'Pec. Yes. That's right. He hasn't done it for nearly two years.
  TTC. Eh?
  J'Pec.. The Lyke Wake Walk.
  TTC. Oh! Sno'G you mean?
  J'Pec. Yes. The last time was in August nineteen seventy five. Just after he'd been on the Matterhorn.
  TTC. But, mm. Can we talk about you, please?
  J'Pec.  And he went with Nibo in nineteen seventy five. Nibo's first it was and Sno'G's twenty fourth. So tonight's must be.
  TTC. I haven't got long. I have to go.
  J'Pec. Talk about me? What about me?
  TTC. And me.
  J'Pec. You?
  TTC. Yes. Us.
  J'Pec. I'm not sure what you mean, TTC.
  TTC. It's simple, J'Peckle. I'm in snog with you.
  J'Pec.  Snog?
  TTC. Yes.
  J'Pec. With me?
  TTC. Yes. Very much. And I want to snog you.
  J'Pec. Snog me? You mean? As in?
  TTC. Yes. Be snogged to you. That's exactly what I mean.
  J'Pec. Mm. Well. I don't know whether you've noticed. But I'm already snogged to Sno'G. I mean.
  TTC. And I'm snogged to Dill. I know. But all sorts of things can happen. You just never know.
  J'Pec.  Gollygosh, TTC! I don't know what to say.
  TTC. Well, don't say anything. Just think about it. Will you? Please?
  J'Pec.  And we're all off to Mathry together in, what is it?
  TTC. Three weeks. Three weeks tomorrow.
  J'Pec.  Is that all it is? Three. Mm. Does Dill know you're here, by the way?
  TTC. With you, you mean?
  J'Pec. Yes. Here. At our house.
  TTC. No, of course not. And it might be best not to.
   J'Pec. Tell Sno'G?
  TTC. Yes, er, I mean no.
  J'Pec. He'll pull the plug on Mathry if I do.
  TTC. Exactly. And it's all paid for and arranged. And there really isn't any need, is there? You could tell him after Mathry.
  J'Pec. After Mathry? Sounds a bit, what's the word?
  TTC. Don't know. But you might not want to tell him after Mathry. Might not need to.
  J'Pec. Well, I'm not sure. I.
  TTC. Just think about what I've said, J'Peckle. Please. Look. Look at the time. I must go.
  J'Pec. Mm. Mm. Okay. Bye.
  TTC. Bye. [ Exit.
  J'Pec. Well, J'Peckle, Girl. How about that? Who'd have thought? Gosh! The date! Friday the thirteenth! Friday the thirteenth of May nineteen seventy seven. A date for our journal. I'll write it in. No. Better wait until Sno'G has written up his Lyke Wake Walk. He might see it. Better wait until Mathry has been written up too. I know. I'll just put a little mark on the calendar to remind me. A little letter vee. That's it! Visitation Day.  [Exit.

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SCENE II. Mathry. A room in Gorwel.
Enter DILL and J'PECKLE bearing a box.
  Dill. Feel a bit guilty getting the kidlets into bed so early on our last night.
  J'Pec.  It's their last night too. I don't suppose they're just gonna drop off to sleep.
   Dill. No. And I reckon the last thing they'll want is to be with us.
  J'Pec. Especially if we're gonna have a game of Play Away.
  Dill. Yea. I'll start setting the stuff out. Pass the box. On the floor, d'ya think?
   J'Pec.  I think so, don't you? Sno'G and TTC should be back soon.
  Dill. They're here, I think. Thought I just heard the door.
Enter TTC bearing cans of beer.
  J'Pec.  What took you so long? Been brewing it, have you?
  TTC. You're joking! It was absolutely heaving in the Farmer's Feet.
  Dill. Where's Sno'G? Gone to get glasses I bet. There's no way he's gonna have us drinking out of cans!
  TTC. Quite right too. Just doesn't taste the same. Anyway, I'll get the glasses. I think Sno'G's gone upstairs.
Enter SNO'G bearing a book.
  Dill. C'mon! Where've you been? And don't say upstairs. There aren't any in a cottage. As in definition of cottage.
  Sno'G. Saying Night Night to the kiddiewinks. Mind you, from what I've seen of what's going on up there, it might be Morning Morning!
  J'Pec.  Why? What are they doing? Up the non-existent stairs?
  Sno'G. You don't wanna know. Believe me! But it's better to think of it as upstairs.
  TTC.  Here, Sno'G. Here's your beer. What's the book?
  Sno'G. Oh, this? It's our Journal.
  Dill. Journal? What for?
  J'Pec. Oh, Sno'G and I have kept log-books, journals, since, er.
  Sno'G. Nineteen sixty three. Sixty two, at a push. This is our fifteenth.
  TTC. And what do you write in these journals? Walks and such like?
  Sno'G. Yea, mostly. But anything significant. We take it in turns to write. Well, more,or less. Mind you, I've written most of it this holiday. J'Peckle hasn't written anything for quite a while, have you J'Peckle?
  J'Pec.  I will. I'll make it up. I promise.
  Sno'G. Mm.
  TTC. So you'll have written all this holiday in there, except today?
  Sno'G. All except tonight, in fact. All except what happens next.
  TTC. Which will be a game of Play Away by the fire.
  Dill.  No! Hang on! We've got plenty of time for Play Away. I'd like to see what's in the Big Book. C'mon! Let's have a look!
  J'Pec. No, no, no, no, no! It's private. Might be all sorts of delicate things in there.
  TTC. Not for the last week, it isn't. You've been with us. So we're in it too.
  Sno'G. Yep! You most serpently are! But.
  Dill. But nothing. Let's have a look at us in the Big Book.
  Sno'G. Nope! I'll tell you what's in it. Read it, maybe. But you can't look.
  Dill. But what's the difference if we?
  Sno'G. It's that, or nowt! Final offer, okay?
  TTC. Okay.
  Dill. Mmmmph!
  Sno'G. How do you spell that? Right! Here we go! [Turns pages] Day One, Friday the third of June nineteen seventy seven.
  J'Pec. Oy! You're not gonna read out all the dates in that sort of detail, are you? We'll be here till Christmas.
  Sno'G. And thanks J'Peckle for that contribution, which, constituting an interruption, brings Christmas just that bit closer. What are you getting me for Christmas by the way?
  J'Pec.  Get on with it, for heaven's sake!
  TTC. Yea! It definitely needs to be got on with.
  Sno'G. I agree. It is definitely something on with which got needs to be.
  Dill.  Blood and sand!
  Sno'G. Oooooo! Right! Okay! Say no less!
  Dill. Is he always like this?
  J'Pec.  No. Worse!
  Sno'G. Have you quite finished? I coulda been up to Chrimbo by now, but I'm still on Friday. Which is. Pin back thy lugholes! After a day at work, when I had a job interview, played hockey, drank some beer and had no food, drove from Barney to Alty in boiling hot wevver!
  Dill. Which has precisely naff all to do wiv us. Has it?
  Sno'G. Sphericals!
  Dill.  Sphericals? What's sphericals got to do with it?
  J'Pec. I'm used to this sort of rhubarb, so do let me explain.
  TTC. Yes do!
  J'Pec.  Thenk yoo! You need to think spheres. Spherical objects. As in.
  TTC. Gentlemen's rude parts!
  Sno'G. Krekt!
  Dill. Balls, you mean?
  Sno'G. Oh! How vulgar! Ebsoluterly no refainment whatsoever, have you Dillment? Ennyroadup, it has a lot to do wiv you, 'cos we were driving to your hice, broke down through overheating four times on the M six and didn't arrive at your hice till one er clock in de mornin'.
  TTC. By which time it's Saturday, and when we eventually got up we fixed your car by wiring the fan to stay on, then drove to Mathry, which is here, yes?
  Sno'G. Oy! Who's book is this? Yes. But in two cars. Not just ours. We stopped at Bala for a piquernique, got stuck in an hour long boiling hot queue at the A five junction, then arrived at Gorwel with a view of the Precisely Hills. S'worrit says 'ere. But you have to wonder how a hice can have a view. Or even a corridge. I mean buildings can't see, can they?
  J'Pec. Are you gonna carry on talking daft like that all night, then, 'cos if you are?
  Sno'G. No. Burra might talk daftly. You need an adverbule there, norran adjecterivitive!
  Dill. So, are we up to Sunday now, then? And if so, what kind of a day was it, adjecterivitively speaking?
  Sno'G. Only if you ignore TTC and I going to the Farmer's Feet on Saturday night.
  TTC. While you two ladies did lady things. Like child cleaning, nose wiping and stuff.
  Sno'G. And stuffs, in fact. Etceterule. Which brings us to Sunday.
  Dill. Well, thank God for that!
  Sno'G. Right, clever clogs! What did we do on Sunday, then?
   Dill. Oh. Er. Mm. Wasn't that the day we went to Fishguard. Yea. That's right. And then we went to.
  Sno'G. See. Don't know your Sundays from your Mondays. Get ready, 'cos I'm not gonna repeatify this. Weather brill after an indiff start. Did a cliff walk from Abercastle to Ynysdeullyn. Lunch on beach near Trevine. Exploredid a large cave and all the chaps except Slimbo climbered up a steep island. Climbed a hill called Penberry, then went to Saint David's Cathedral, where there was an Art Exhibitule and Dill and TTC rang the bellettes. In the evening we played Scrabbule. On Monday we.
  J'Pec.  Hang on!
  Sno'G. Don't interulept, perlease, otherwise we shall be here till Chrimstmule! Monday was the Fishguard day. T'was good wevver, after a trickule of rain, but a bit twindy too. We played footsphere and cricketness with the childs on Newgale beach and a form of pre-snog wrestling with each other's other, which led to cuddle cure in order to get over it. Or under it, dependule how you look at same, then in the evening, which is the opposite to odding, something happened which I'm switching to tonight.
   Dill. Eh? Waddya mean? Can you do that? You mean, It's happened already. But you're gonna make it happen tonight. In your book?
   Sno'G. No. That would be a twice happening. It's only gonna happen oneth. Tonight in fact. But it's in the Monday book, so when it happeneth, not in the book, you'll recognise it.
   J'Pec.  I'm lost.
  Dill. You're not the only one. Sno'G is too. Either that, or he's a Time Lord. Well, maybe just a Time Bloke, but seriously.
  TTC. Hang on! It isn't that difficult. What is it they say? All the World's a thingy. If we're in a play, and Sno'G's the thingy.
  J'Pec.  Author?
   Sno'G. Playwrite, you mean, I think. If I'm writing the play, I can shift stuff around as I feel fit. Yes?
   Dill. Right. Okay, let's just get on with reality, shall we? What's next in the Big Book?
   J'Pec.  Didn't we go out looking for Jubilee beacons that night?
  TTC.  Yerp! We did exacterly that!
  Sno'G. Excuser me! Who said you could speak like that? That's my sphericule sphere.
  TTC. Monday was the Bank Holiday, wasn't it?
  Dill. And Tuesday was the Silver Jubilee Hol.
  Sno'G. Krekt! Sunny day. On beach at Porthlysg Bay, pint in pub at Croesgoch, then evening barbie avec Jubilee bonfire in t' village.
  TTC. Didn't we get beer from the Farmer's that night too?
  Sno'G. Yerse. Then on Wednesday you and I rowed the childs on the river at Haverfordwest, while the ladies did lady shopping, before clearing the beach at Westdale Bay with our naughty behaviour.
  J'Pec. It was just a bit of innocent flirting.
  Dill. Innocent enough to clear the beach.
  TTC. We went in the sea too. It was a scorching day, wasn't it?
  Sno'G. Yea. And when I went in the sea with you, Dill, your bikini managed to fall itself off!
  J'Pec. And to change a subject, which needs changing, giggle giggle, which night was it Dill and TTC went out for a meal?
  Sno'G. It was that night. You and I went out the following night, on the Thursday, the day we did our ascent of the Precisely Hills. The three highest summits. S'worrit says 'ere. C'mon! Who can name them?
  TTC. Foelcwmcerwyn's the highest, then.
   Dill. That'll do, thanks.
  Sno'G. Ta a loadly much, you mean. Funny though they should cart massive stones from here to Salisbury Plain.
  TTC. Yes. Why didn't they just build Stonehenge out there in that field?
  Sno'G. More to the point, why didn't they call it Rockhenge? Much better name, especially for a song.
  J'Pec. They probably didn't because it sounded crap in whatever Celtic lingo they spoke.
  Sno'G. Oh aye! Forgorrabout that. Isn't it funny, though, how we've had good weather, when the rest of the country's had rubbish?
  Dill. Yea. Until today, that is. Which is Friday and ergo the most recent page in the Big Book. It rained and we stayed in bed for a bit.
  TTC. Bit of what? what did you and Sno'G get up to?
  Dill. After the snog swapping last night what do you expect? What about you two?
  J'Pec. Snog swapping, what else?
  Sno'G. Well, we're off home termorrer, so the snog swapping only has tonight left. And just to finish off reading me book, if you don't mind. We climbed Carn Llidi and walked the Saint David's cliffs in the rain to Whitesand Bay, where iconic photo of Dill and me tooked.
  TTC. And here we all are after baths waiting for what happens next.
  Sno'G. Which is. [Lights go out.
  J'Pec.  Oh! What's happened?
  Dill. The lights have gone out.
  J'Pec. I can see that!
   Sno'G. Really? Doubt it. But I did say didn't I? You'd recognise it when it happened.
  Dill. Where's the money for the meter?
  TTC. On top of the meter.
  J'Pec. Where's the meter?
  Sno'G. Under the stairs.
  J'Pec. In other words we can't remember. This is gonna be fun.
  TTC. It's in the other room, which I think is this way.
  Dill. Nah! It's this way. Oooo. Who's this I've got hold of?
  Sno'G. Sqeeze and if you hear. Yea. It's me. I think.
  TTC. Well it isn't me. But I've just found someone too. Doesn't feel like you, Sno'G!
  Sno'G.  Good!
  J'Pec. Mm. Yea! Good.
  Dill. Is anyone actually going to find the meter?
  J'Pec. We thought you were.
  Dill. And we thought you were.
  TTC. Why don't we have a slow race to the meter?
  Sno'G. Yea. To see who gets there last. Mm. [Exeunt.

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ACT THREE

SCENE I. Cheshire. Oulton Park Racing Circuit.
Enter DILL and DOOPIDOO.
   Dill. Didn't you want to go with Dad and Slimbo to look at the racing cars, Doopidoo?
  Doop. Yea. In a minute. I wanna have a look at these old cars over here as well.
  Dill. Okay. We won't get lost. I told Dad we'd meet by car number six at half past.
  Doop. As long as he remembers which.
  Dill. Bound to, isn't he? Six is half past.
  Doop. Hey! That's clever, Mum.
  Dill. Good, eh?
  Doop. Mm. Mum, can I ask you something? Oh! Look at this one. Bet it couldn't go at more than fifty miles an hour.
  Dill. Bet it could. But, of course, Doopidoo. Ask away!
  Doop. You do like motor racing, don't you?
  Dill. That's a funny question, Doopidoo. You know I do. Look how many times I've been here with you.
  Doop. Yea. I know. But Dad likes motor racing too.
  Dill. Yes. That's true. But that's not the only reason I come. You like it too, don't you?
  Doop. Oh yea! Love it. Hey, look! Over there. Isn't that James Hunt?
  Dill. Where? Oh yes. So it is. He's selling his book, I think.
  Doop. Are you gonna buy one?
  Dill. Might do. But why were you asking about me liking racing? By the way, that green car over there could beat some of these racing today, with the right driver.
  Doop. Nah! Really? Takes some believing. But, I'm a bit mixed up, Mum. You know. What's happening to us.
  Dill. With Sno'G, you mean?
  Doop. Yes. And Dad and J'Peckle. When we're on holiday. It seemed to be just on holiday at first. But now it's more. You're really gonna change over, aren't you?
  Dill. Yes. We are. But.
  Doop. I mean, we had that holiday in Mathry, but I can hardly remember that.
  Dill. Well, it's well over a year ago now.
  Doop. But since then we've been to Derbyshire, Northumberland. And camping quite a few times. We seemed to be with Sno'G and J'Peckle more and more.
  Dill. Seemed?
  Doop. Then it all seemed to stop.
  Dill. By 'eck! You don't miss much, do you? You see that black one? That's another super shifter.
  Doop. Mm. Well. Anyway. Now it seems to have started again. And you are going to change over, aren't you?
  Dill. Okay. Yes we are. But I know you must be worried, well, concerned about it. So you should be. I was too. That's the reason I put a stop to it.
  Doop. You stopped it? So why are we?
  Dill. Yes I did. A month, or so ago. I was just so worried and upset in case we were doing the wrong thing.
  Doop. So. How come we're back again, then?
  Dill. It isn't just me, is it? Your dad seemed to want to be in snog with J'Peckle so much he phoned her a few weeks later, while she was away from Barney visiting her parents.
  Doop. Mm. How did he know she was there, then?
  Dill. Er. Mm.
  Doop. But now we're back on again. For real?
  Dill. That's right.
  Doop. No going back?
  Dill. Nope. But we'll still be together. All of us.
  Doop. Right. Here's two more questions then.
  Dill. Okay! Fire away!
  Doop. Hey! What about this one here? This blue effort? You're not gonna tell me that it could actually move forward, are you?
  Dill. Faster than the speed of smell, in fact! But go on! Fire away!
  Doop. You'll change your name, won't you?
  Dill. To Sno'G's. If, when, we get married.
  Doop. So, will I have to change mine too? And Slimbo?
  Dill. [Laughing] No. Of course you won't. I hadn't thought of that.
  Doop. Wow! That's a relief!
  Dill. What's the other question?
  Doop. Well. It's about motor racing.
  Dill. Motor racing? What's that got to do with it?
  Doop. Well, I don't think Sno'G likes motor racing.
  Dill. [Laughing] Really? Why do you say that?
  Doop. I've heard him talking when we've been out on walks.
  Dill. Walk talk, you mean? Sorry!
  Doop. Very good! Yes. He says stuff like we shouldn't say to people that they should save fuel and not make pollution and things like that. You know, to do with the environment.
  Dill. Yes.
  Doop. And he says motor racing harms the environment, just for fun. And also.
  Dill. Well. He's got a point. But you know what Sno'G's like! He just likes to look at things in different ways. He does it deliberately, even if he.
  Doop. And also it's dangerous, he says.
  Dill. Well. You have to remember when he was a boy it was. People were often killed. There were some very bad crashes.
  Doop. But it's much safer now, isn't it?
  Dill. Of course it is. But that's not why you're asking about motor racing, is it?
  Doop. No. It's because.
  Dill. Because you think you might not be able to come to motor racing?
  Doop. Well, yes. I was just wondering.
  Dill. Well, you can stop your wondering. Your worrying too. We're all going to be together. Dad and J'Peckle have promised that, because they know, like we do, that you four kiddiewinks shouldn't be let down by what's happening.
  Doop. So.
  Dill. So, if your Dad wants to go to motor racing, you'll still be able to go with him. And knowing Sno'G like I do, he'll probably go as well. Me too. We'll all go. that's the whole idea. Okay?
  Doop. Right. That's okay, then. Are you gonna buy a James Hunt book now?
  Dill. No. Your Dad is. He's the one with the money. C'mon! Nearly half past. Let's go and find them!
  Doop. Hey, Mum. He might sign it if you buy his book.
  Dill. If James Hunt wants me to buy his book he'll have to do more than sign it. He'll have to give me a snog. [Exeunt.

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SCENE II. Barnard Castle. Garden at 66 Victoria Road.
Enter SNO'G and NIBO holding hands.
  Sno'G. C'mon, Nibo! Don't cry! I know you're upset. But.
  Nibo. [Sniffing] Hey! Hang on! This doesn't look like our garden.
  Sno'G. Aha! You noticed. It is our garden, but it looks like the North York Moors. I thought.
  Nibo. How did you do it, Dad? How can?
  Sno'G. Me? I didn't do it, like, as in, do it. We're in a play, remember. Things can be whatever we want.
   Nibo. So we can do the Lyke Wake Walk again?
   Sno'G. Yea! Only this time it won't take us twenty something hours like when we did it a few years ago. Remember that?
  Nibo. 'Cause I do. We start just here, don't we? The trig point on Scarth Wood Moor.
  Sno'G. Spot on, Nibo! You remembered!
  Nibo. And it's all downhill to start with, if I remember right.
  Sno'G. Yep! So we won't get out of breath when we talk as we walk.
  Nibo. Walk talk, you mean!
  Sno'G. Oh, very good, Nibo! Very good!
  Nibo. Well, you said you'd take me out into the garden to have a talk, didn't you?
  Sno'G. That's right. I did. Because you were upset. I thought we should. Right, this is a tricky bit. Finding a way through Scugdale.
  Nibo. Well, we're still not going uphill yet, but you know why I'm upset. It's because I don't want.
  Sno'G. Your mam and me, I mean mam and I, to split up.
  Nibo. No, I don't. I don't think Sno'Box realises what's happening. If she did, I think she wouldn't want it either. But.
  Sno'G. You're right. You shouldn't want it. But sometimes things we don't want happen.
  Nibo. Yea. Okay. And I definitely don't want this to happen.
  Sno'G. But sometimes the way things happen isn't the way you think they happen. We've got a bit of a climb now, by the way.
   Nibo. Yea, up to Live Moor, where there's a big cairn.
  Sno'G. That's it. Can you remember what comes after that?
  Nibo. Carlton Bank, isn't it? Where the gliders fly? And after that it's, mm, Cringeley Moor, or something like that.
  Sno'G. Cringle Moor. That's right.
  Nibo. So. How are things happening different from the way I think they're happening? Oh, look! There's the Whatsit Stone on Cringie! I don't want you to leave me, Dad. That's what I think's happening.
  Sno'G. Well. I'm definitely not leaving you, so you're different about that. But I can see why you think what you do. It's the Hall Cliff Stone, by the way.
  Nibo. You're not leaving me?
  Sno'G. No. I'm not. How could I? You are my first born babule. Do you think that means nothing to me? Do you think I would, could, leave you?
  Nibo. So, what's going on then? I mean, you and Mam seem to be.
  Sno'G.  Yea, I know. Oh! Nearly onto Cold Moor summit. One of my fave bits next.
  Nibo. Hasty Bank, yes?
  Sno'G. Krekt! What was your fave bit?
  Nibo. The end, Dad. Waddys fink? No! Not really. Only kidding! I liked the bit where we went to the highest point.
   Sno'G. Of the North York Moors, you mean? Botton Head. Next after Hasty.
  Nibo. Yea. And there was a trig point. I like trig points. Collecting the numbers in the book you gave me. It's.
  Sno'G. It's a trait that'll pass on to Mint, as well as you.
  Nibo. What? Mint? Who's Mint?
  Sno'G. Flippin' 'eck! Why did I say that? I don't know. Total mystery. No idea who Mint might be!
  Nibo. Could be a touch of Déjà Vu.
  Sno'G. Déjà who?
  Nibo. Hope you're not losing it, Dad. All I did was mention trig points.
  Sno'G. That's right. And we visited three on that crossing, apart from Scarth Wood Moor, that is. All slightly off-route. After Botton there was.
  Nibo. Loose Howe, wasn't it? Then there was, er, oh! It's on the tip of.
  Sno'G. Your tongue? Simon Howe, by any chance?
  Nibo. That's it! Spot on! And didn't we go to another?
  Sno'G. Yea! Cringle Moor summit cairn. Slightly off route. But there's no trig point there.
  Nibo. Anyway. You still haven't answered my question. What is going to happen.
  Sno'G. Well. You're sort of right. Your mam's gonna marry TTC. And I'm gonna marry Dill. But.
  Nibo. See. That's what I said. You're going to.
  Sno'G. But, we are all going to live together. So nobody will be.
  Nibo. Together?
  Sno'G. Well. Near enough. We'll always live very close. Always. Close enough so that we'll see each other all the time. Nobody is leaving anyone. Ooops! Nearly tripped over that causeway stone.
  Nibo. Yea. Careful. Old railway track just ahead.
  Sno'G. Good. Now we can whiz along that, nip across to Rosedale Head, then.
  Nibo. That boggy bit over Loose Howe and Shunner Howe to thingy.
  Sno'G. Hamer. Doesn't seem too boggy today. Well over half way now.
  Nibo. And now comes Wheeldale Moor. But, we're not gonna live here, are we?
  Sno'G. On Wheeldale Moor?
  Nibo. No. In Barney.
  Sno'G. We're going to live in Northwich.
  Nibo. Northwich?
  Sno'G. Northwich. It's in Cheshire.
  Nibo. But it's so nice here in Barney. I like it here.
  Sno'G. Yea. I know. I like it too. But it'll be quite nice in Cheshire, you know. And we'll all be together.
  Nibo. Oh look! I like this bit. Down to the river and across on the stepping stones.
  Sno'G. Careful! Don't fall in! Climb up to Simon Howe next.
  Nibo. So, we'll all be together in Northwich, then?
  Sno'G. Yep. That's right.
  Nibo. And you're giving up your job at Glaxo?
  Sno'G. I have to. That's right.
  Nibo. And you don't mind?
  Sno'G. Well. Mm. Er. Look. That's not the way to look at it. Okay, downhill again now. I have to get another job. So we can all be together. If we weren't gonna stay together, if I was going to leave you, like you said, Dill and I would stay here in Barney. Dill loved Barney when she was here. So leaving Barney and Glaxo should tell you that we all mean what we say. We're gonna stay together. We've all promised each other that. None of us would do this if it meant being separated from you. From our children.
  Nibo. Okay, then. But. Oh, look at the Fylingdales golf balls now! They look huge!
  Sno'G. Yea, they do. And we climb right up past them to, can you remember?
  Nibo. Lilla Howe.
  Sno'G. Well done, Nibo! With Lilla Cross on top.
  Nibo. Yes. But, what if your new job turns out to be no good, or something.
  Sno'G. Right. That's a distinct possibility. And we've all talked about that together. The main thing is first to get a job.
  Nibo. Which you have, haven't you?
  Sno'G. Yes. And it probably isn't an ideal one, with quite a lot of travelling to get there. But that's the point. It will mean we can get started. We can move to Cheshire to be together.
  Nibo. Yea, I know what you mean. But I'm still a bit. Hey! I can see the sea now.
  Sno'G. Not far now. Burn Howe and Jugger Howe and then.
  Nibo. But I'm still worried, Dad. I mean, what if you have to change jobs again, and the new job's not in Cheshire? I still won't want you to leave me. Dad, do you see what I mean? I.
  Sno'G. Of course I do, Nibo. And I'd be just as worried about leaving you and Sno'Box, if that's what were going to happen. But it's not. I'm not the only one. Your mam, Dill and TTC all feel the same. We don't want to leave any of you children.
  Nibo. So, what about? Oh, yes! This deep ravine. I remember last time. I was absolutely whacked by now.
  Sno'G. Jugger Howe Beck. Bet you're not whacked this time, eh?
  Nibo. No. Much easier! But what about if you have to move somewhere again? For a job I mean? Away from Cheshire?
  Sno'G. Ah! You've hit the whatsit bang on the thingybob! That's exactly what we've all thought about. What we've discussed, and what we've all agreed. We have all promised to stay together. And if we have to move again, your mam and TTC have promised to come with us. Okay?
  Nibo. Well yes. But, how can? Oh! There's the old windmill.
  Sno'G. Yep. Only a mile to go.
  Nibo. Brill! We've done it! But. I mean, how can you be sure that TTC will be able to go where you go?
  Sno'G. Very good question, Nibo. To which I must know the answer. If I didn't, I wouldn't be doing this thing. Would I?
  Nibo. So?
  Sno'G. Two reasons. One. TTC, not to mention your mam, have given their word. I trust them. You would, wouldn't you?
  Nibo. Yes. Of course. And?
  Sno'G. Dill trusts them too. We all trust each other. But second. As in two. TTC's flexible.
  Nibo. Eh? Bendy, you mean?
  Sno'G. Well, yes. Er no. I mean he's not tied down. He's in the sort of.
  Nibo. You mean his job can move to other places?
  Sno'G. Yea. Sort of. And it's not fixed to a particular time, either.
  Nibo. Well! Brill! We're a couple of hundred yards from the end. And I'm definitely not lost. But you've just said summat about places and times. And I'm as lost as the lostest loss in the Universe.
  Sno'G. Hey! Fantasmic, Nibo! That sounded like something I should have said!
  Nibo. Yea! Thanks, Dad! But, waddya mean?
  Sno'G. Simps, Nibo. TTC's in electronics, right? That's not a job special to any particular place. Could be anywhere.
  Nibo. Right?
  Sno'G. Also, TTC is working towards starting his own company. He's in control of that. He can choose the time that's best for all of us.
  Nibo. Right! I see! Great! Hey, he might even make a company for all of us!
  Sno'G. Yea! I suppose he might. Hadn't thought of that!
  Nibo. Okay, Dad. I feel a bit better now. And we're here. End of the Lyke Wake Walk!
  Sno'G. Good! And it's Lyke Wake Walk, by the way. There is no "the". The Raven Hall Hotel. Proper end's at the bar. Go on! You first. I'll have a pint o' bitter.
  Nibo. I don't think they'll serve me, Dad.
  Sno'G. Just pretend! No harm in that. Get used to buying your dad pints, Nibo! I'm gonna sup a heck of a lot with you before we're done. Well, I flippin' well hope so.
  Nibo. Hey! Hang on a mo! This isn't a pub door. It's our back door!
  Sno'G. Very good. It is. And it just goes to show that, no matter where you are, Northwich even, if you've got the will, you can be where you want to be. Don't know much about Cheshire hills, Nibo. But you and I are gonna be on the hills for a long time to come.
  Nibo. Okay. That's good. Hey! D'you think Mam'll serve me a couple o' pints? [Exeunt.

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ACT FOUR

SCENE I. Northwich. A room at 22 Wentworth Close.
Enter SNO'G and TTC each bearing two drinks.
  Sno'G. Seems like a long time ago, Glaxo. But, yea, I do remember that stripper sitting on your lap at the Torrid Arms.
  TTC. Is that what it was called? Torrid?
  Sno'G. Something like that. But do you remember when they put me in charge of that first computer Glaxo bought?
  TTC. The one we'd hoped to use for calculating female thigh surface area, you mean?
  Sno'G. Yea. I got as far as programming it to churn out primes.
  TTC. That's right! Testing sequential positive integers for division by successive integers up to the square root.
  Sno'G. And the first one it printed out was one.
  TTC. Because it fits the definition, of course.
  Sno'G. Aye! I know. But mathematicians, well, some of 'em, at least, reckon one isn't prime.
  TTC. Yes. A bit unsatisfactory, that. Set a definition, then reject the first candidate to pass the test.
  Sno'G. Well, they've got another rule. As they do. Any number is the product of its prime factors in only one way. This goes out the window if one is prime.
  TTC. Because anything times one, as many times as you like, remains the same.
  Sno'G. Yea. But Euler turfed one out 'cos it doesn't fit his rule. Sum the divisors of a prime and the result is one more than the prime.
  TTC. Well, that's obvious. Primes have two factors, the prime and one.
  Sno'G. Right, and he's saying one has only one factor. But if it's prime it has two, itself and one, which added make two. No problemo!
  TTC. Mm. Well, I have to say those two reasons appear contradictory.
  Sno'G. Yea, they do. One hangs on the act of multiplying one by one. The other seems to deny it.
  TTC. Mathematicians, eh? Talk about wanting it both ways!
  Sno'G. Well, it's exactly the same with Nelson.
  TTC. Nelson? Trafalgar with, or without Square, you mean?
  Sno'G. No. Nelson as in a hundred and eleven.
  TTC. What does a hundred and eleven have to do with Horatio?
  Sno'G. Cricket! That's what. They call it Nelson, England's unlucky score. They try to avoid reaching hundred and eleven. Hit a six when you're on ninety seven, for example.
  TTC. Well! You live and learn.
  Sno'G. Yea. And mathematicians'll tell you hundred and eleven's the magic constant for the smallest magic square consisting only of primes.
  TTC. And is it?
  Sno'G. Apparently. But, guess what, one has to be prime, otherwise it isn't. About face, or what?
Enter DILL carrying a box and J'PECKLE.
  J'Pec. Found it. Sorry we took so long.
  Dill. Yea. The blue dice was missing. The red one was there. But it took ages to find the blue dice.
  Sno'G. Die.
  J'Pec.  Yea. He's right. Thanks for bringing our drinks. Could you pass mine, please?
  Dill. Mine too, please. Waddya mean, he's right?
  TTC. C'mon! Stop messing about! It takes yonks to play Manipulate. It'll be nineteen eighty two in an hour, or so.
  J'Pec. There's no rush. We can carry on into next year, can't we?
   Dill. As long as we remember our places, we can. But, excuse me! Waddya mean, he's right?
  J'Pec. Die. One die. Two dice.
  TTC. Correct! But can we just get on with it? We've set the board out while you two are messing about. Fifteen hundred quid each, okay? Here's yours. Me and J'Peckle against you two. Stick your mit in the bag and pick a token!
  Sno'G. [Rumages in the bag] Oh, great! A roller skate!
  TTC. I'll pick our token, J'Peckle, while you two girls roll the dice. Highest score goes first. Lowest can be banker, okay?
  Dill. Highest score?
  TTC. Yea. Sworra said.
   Dill. But you shoulda said higher, shouldn't ya?
  J'Pec. Oooo! Clever Clogs, or what? [ Rolls dice.
  Dill. Not as clogsy as die. [Rolls dice] Looks as if we're the bank, Sno'G.
  Sno'G. Right. Oh! Would you credit it? Look what they've picked for a token!
   TTC. Good, eh? A Rolls Royce! It's a Roller against a roller skate! Right, J'Peckle, we're on Go. You roll first!
  Dill. Anyway, did you know that dice are chiral?
  J'Pec.  Double two. That puts us on Van Hire.
   TTC. Right! Let's buy that, shall we? We get another throw too.
  Sno'G. Dill's right, you know, dice are chiral.
   J'Pec.  Stop trying to put me off! Oh! Six and four.
  TTC. Brilliant! Pay Rise! What's the blurb say? Where is it? Oh, here! Collect double salary each time you pass Go.
  Sno'G. Here, let's have the dice! My go. See, the six and one are opposite, the five and two and the four and three.
  J'Pec. Just get on with it. It'll be next century at this rate!
  Sno'G. Five and two. Seven. That's there on Chance. What's on the card, Dill?
   Dill. It says go back three spaces.
   TTC. Ha! Van Hire. We've just bought that. Have you got the Entitlement Card, J'Peckle?
  J'Pec. Yea. It says, Removal Van Hire. The owner is the sole driver. The trespasser must pay his share in full. Brill! You pay the cash. We get the keys. Your throw TTC. Money please, Sno'G!
  Sno'G. Yea yea. But look! Put the six towards you and the five on top. The three and four are at the sides.
  TTC. So? Here, it's my go.
  Sno'G. So you could have four right and three left, or the other way round. Waddya get?
  TTC. Five and six. Eleven. That takes us to Sno'Box's birthday. Oh, we'll have that!
  Dill. Okay, that's twenty quid. Yea, see! These two both have three on the left.
  Sno'G. But they could be the other way round. D'ya see? So you could have left and right handed dice. Mirror images. Chiral. Watcha get, Dill? They always make'em the same way round, though.
  Dill. No! Mint's got one that's the other way round.
  Sno'G. What?
  TTC. Who's Mint?
  Dill. Flippin' 'eck! What did I? Why on Earth did I say that? I've no idea who Mint is.
  J'Pec. Touch of Déjà Vu, sounds like.
  Sno'G. Déjà who? Watcha get?
  Dill. Er, double three. Landed us in court, just passing through, then one and four, putting us on Slimbo's birthday.
  J'Pec. And she's bought it while you're messing about. Here, my go.
  Sno'G. Have you noticed how half the numbers on a dice, sorry, die, have a different order of symmetry from the other half?
  TTC. As they appear on their faces, you mean? One, four and five. Two, three and six.
  J'Pec. Oh, put a sock in it, for heaven's sake! Three and four, Community Cheat. Read the card, TTC!
  TTC. Ha! Says move your opponent to a space of your choice. Stick 'em on Sno'Box's birthday, which we've just bought! What's the entitlement, J'Peckle?
  J'Pec. You may claim from the trespasser as your own his entire share of the birthday presents to be given to Sno'box.
  Sno'G. My turn. Yes, you can find the two and three.
  Dill. Hey! Pay attention, Sno'G! This is getting serious. Do you realise what's just happened?
  Sno'G. I am paying attention. Three and two. Where does that land us? Yes, the two and three diagonally either way and the six vertical, or horizontal, relative to the layout I described earlier.
  Dill. Well, relative to what you've just thrown it lands us on Go to Court. So we're in Court. Bloody marvellous!
   TTC. Mon go! Also, half the numbers on a die are prime. Oh! Double six! Pass Go. Four hundred quid. Onto Van Hire, which we've already got, and another roll.
  Sno'G. Two thirds of 'em if one's prime. Just noticed. The twos on these dice aren't diagonal. A bit unusual, eh?
  TTC. Weheee! Double six again! So throw again and move to Ten Astbury Close. Mm. Think we'll leave that.
  J'Pec. Don't throw another double, TTC! We'll land in Court.
  TTC. Two and one. That's, er, Guy Fawkes Night. Yep. we'll buy that.
  Sno'G. Your tumble, Dill. You want a double to get us out of. Oh! One and six. No good!
  TTC. Right! C'mon J'Peckle! Blow on the dice! C'mon! C'mon! Four and six!
  J'Pec. Ten hops then, so that puts us. Aha! Rudheath High School. Definitely buy that!
  Sno'G. Are you sure these dice aren't loaded? Here, my lob again.
  TTC. See! No trickery. You've got double three. Out of Court.
  Sno'G. Onto Ten Astbury Close, and roll again. You didn't buy that, did you?
   J'Pec.  No. But we did purchase Guy Fawkes Night. And you've just landed on it with one and two!
  Dill. I don't flippin' believe it. Dodgy dice, I reckon!
  TTC. Let's have a look! It says, Fireworks Display. You are entitled to abdicate responsibility for lifting Slimbo onto your shoulders so that he can see.
  J'Pec.  Better start building your muscles up, you two! Your go, TTC.
  TTC. No. Nothing wrong with the dice. Equal chance for all numbers.
  Sno'G. Twaddle! Oh! You've got one and five. Goes to Doopidoo's birthday. Betcha gonna buy that as well.
  J'Pec.  Yep, twenty quid, these birthdays, aren't they? How do you mean twaddle? All six numbers have a one in six chance.
  Dill. No they don't. My turn. That assumes a dice, a die, always finishes on a face.
  Sno'G. Four and one. That's sixteen Wentworth Close. We'll buy it.
  J'Pec.  That's two hundred quid, then. My go again. Must finish on a face. Every time.
  TTC. Two and five. No, they're right. There's a teeny weeny, titchy witchy chance of landing on an edge. Or even a corner.
  J'Pec. Seven puts us on Community Cheat. Let's see what the card says. Wehey! Move forward to any space you choose! Right! Pass Go. Pocket four hundred quid and we'll go for No Smoking.
  TTC. For which the blurb says you may impose a smoking ban in any property you purchase and, or collect fines. Put your pipe out, Sno'G!
  Sno'G. Any property you buy, it says. Here, give me the dice.
  TTC. Any you purchase, in fact. Well done! Six and five. Eleven lands you slap bang on Doopidoo's birthday.
  J'Pec. Which we bought. Okay. Where's the Entitlement thingy, TTC?
  TTC. Here. I've got it. Says. You are entitled to abdicate responsibility for taking Doopidoo to see his paternal grandparents on his birthday.
  Dill. Bloody hell! What next? Your throw, TTC. Your throw. Phew! And anyway even if it doesn't land on an edge, or corner, it still isn't the same chance for all numbers. See! Double six! Again!
  J'Pec. So that's Community Cheat. And the card says, let's have a look. Oh yes! Move forward to any space you choose. Okay. Pass Go again. Another four hundred quid, and well go to Twenty Two Wentworth Close, which we'll buy and impose a smoking ban on. Put your pipe out, Sno'G!
  TTC. And we get another go. How lucky can you get?
  Sno'G. Four and two. Six. Marriage, you've landed on. What's that mean?
  J'Pec. Well, it's free, But if you visit first, which we have, you, we, are entitled to what it says on the card.
  Dill. Which is what?
  J'Pec. We can get a special licence to marry before you do, and not invite any of the kids, 'cos you'll be looking after them! Ha!
  Sno'G. Aye. You've gotta get divorced first. Don't be too hasty! Meanwhile Dill's just thrown double five. So we pass Go, collect two hundred quid, buy Nibo's birthday and throw again, which gives, er.
  Dill. Four and three. Takes us to Easter. And I think we'll buy that too. That's right about unequal chances for all six numbers, isn't it, Sno'G?
  TTC. Your turn, J'Peckle. Yes, we know. It assumes you've got absolutely perfect cubes.
  Sno'G. Or derivatives thereof. And made of material of perfectly uniform density.
  J'Pec. One and three. Four. New Year's Eve. Buy it, yea?
   TTC. Oh yes! Definitely!
  Sno'G. My turf again. Your cubes have to be in a perfectly uniform gravitational field, too. No other unbalanced forces. On a perfectly horizontal, uniform surface, and, four and six. We're on what? Chance.
  Dill. And the card says move forward seven spaces.
  J'Pec. Rudheath High School! Trespassing again. What's the penalty, TTC?
  TTC. You are entitled to abdicate responsibility for picking up Doopidoo on his three in the morning return from a school trip to Wembley.
   J'Pec.  Means we can go to kip and Sno'G will have to do it. Brill!
  Dill. Yea! All right. Just roll the dice! It's your go. No. It's TTC's..
  J'Pec. Now now! Just because, oooh! Double five! Right! Pass Go again. Four hundred quid. Onto Chance, which says, er, Go to Court.
  TTC. And roll again! Another double gets us out again. Oh, never mind. Two and five. Your throw, Dill.
  Sno'G. C'mon, Dill! Shake them cubes! Double one. Oh no! Unemployment.
  TTC. And the card says, current job unsatisfactory, seek advice by consulting opponent. Waddya think, J'Peckle?
  J'Pec.  On the dole, Sno'G! That costs you half your salary.
  TTC. Me think too. Throw again, Dill! You had a double. Six and five. Well, you pass Go, but only get a hundred quid and you're on Community Cheat.
  Dill. It's a Get out of Court Card. But we're not in Court.
  Sno'G. No. But we can keep it until we are. What's it say? Ha! Court not in session. The judge is ill. You two are still in Court, though. You just threw two and one, J'Peckle. My go.
  J'Pec. Now who's gloating? Ha! Five and three. You're in Court now.
   Dill. Yea. Well, if we were we'd be straight out again, 'cos the judge threw a sickie. We're just passing through, though. So we can keep the card, and there's only one of these, I think. So you can't have it. Well, we could flog it to you.
  J'Pec. No ta! Okay. C'mon, TTC! We need a double. Yes! Double six! Out of Court onto Chance. And it says, mm, move forward six places. Divorce. That's free, as well.
  Sno'G. Not until you get into Court again.
  TTC. Which we can do by rolling the exact number when you're first to land on Divorce.
  Sno'G. C'mon, Dill! Roll 'em!
  TTC. No! I roll again. I got a double. Weheee! Double one! Go to Court! Near enough the exact number, what? In Court and roll again.
  Dill. You know dice are chiral? Oh, three and one. Stay in Court. My go. Well, what if the whole Universe is chiral. That might affect the chances. Six and two. Onto Navigation Primary School. We'll buy that.
  J'Pec. My turn. C'mon you chirals! Give us a double!
  Sno'G. Nope! Two and three. Still in Court. My lob. No, the best bit about dice is the dilemma. Hey! Good that, eh? Die lemma!
  TTC. The dice dilemma? What's that? Hey look! One and three. You're on Chance.
  Dill. Mm. It says here, you gain a place on a teacher training course. Move to Crewe and Alsager College.
  Sno'G. It's obvious, isn't it? The cube's six faces have to be identical for the probabilities to be equal. Oh! Bad luck, TTC. Three and five. Still in Court. It's you now, Dill.
  TTC. So, the faces would be indistinguishable.
  Sno'G. Yep! But to function as a die, they can't be. You have to make the faces different, so then the chances can't be equal.
  Dill. Three and one. Pass Go. A hundred quid and onto Community Cheat.
  Sno'G. And the card says, move your opponent to any space you choose. So, let's bung 'em on sixteen Wentworth Close. That's ours. We can collect.
  Dill. Get's 'em out of Court, though.
  Sno'G. Yea! But they'd be out automatically next go. Oh! And J'Peckle's just thrown double four. They're out three times over!
  J'Pec.  And onto Community Cheat. And the card says.
  TTC. Move your opponent to any space you choose. New Year's Eve, I think.
  J'Pec.  I Throw again! Oh, four and one. We're on New Year's Eve, as well! Isn't that weird? This being New Year's Eve.
  Dill. Speaking of which, it'll be nineteen eighty two in about three minutes. Somebody had better go outside.
  Sno'G. I'll do it. S'always me.
  TTC. Ahem! Just in case you haven't noticed. We bought New Year's Eve and you're trespassing.
  Sno'G. Yea. I know. It can wait, though can't it? Until I come back in. [Exit right.
   J'Pec.  [Calls off left] Turn up your telly, kids! we need to hear Big Ben.
  Dill. A new year. Wonder what it has in store. Hope Sno'G hears Big Ben.
  TTC. Well, if he doesn't we'll just have to shout as loud as we. Oh! there it is! [Big Ben sounds.
Enter NIBO, DOOPIDOO, SNO'BOX, SLIMBO and SNO'G.
  All. A Happy New Year! [Snogging, hugging and greeting as appropriate.
  Nibo. Right, you three! Enough of that. Let's get back to the DVDVD!
  Doop. Where's the rush? It's on pause.
  Sno'B. Procrastination, or what?
  Slim. Procreation? Prochronism, more like! Hasn't been invented yet! [Exrunt Nibo, Doopidoo, Sno'Box and Slimbo.
  TTC. Top ups all round, I think.
  Dill. Ta! So, what about whatever it was that could wait?
  Sno'G. Oh yea. Almost forgot. We landed on New Year's Eve. You bought it. We're all on it. So.
  TTC. Well, we're. Oh. You tell them, J'Peckle.
  J'Pec. We're ever so excited. We've just created a new company. Our company.
  Dill. As in our company. Pity you didn't ask us if we'd mind.
  TTC. No our company, as in our company.
  Sno'G. Got wheels on has it?
  TTC. Wheels? Why wheels?
  Sno'G. So it can be moved to wherever we all are. Like we said.
  J'Pec.  No, no. It's here. Here in Northwich.
  Dill. So, staying together goes out the window, relocating with us goes out the window, along with.
  Sno'G. Change of heart, mind and plan. Oh wonderful! Thanks a bunchly lot!
  TTC. Well, we couldn't.
  Dill. We? You mean you couldn't.
  J'Pec. C'mon! It's for the best.
  Sno'G. Yea! Your best.
  TTC. Look! Why don't we all go up and tell the kids? They'll be ever so excited.
  Dill. Well, it's your excitement. I think you should tell them, don't you Sno'G?
  Sno'G. Yep! Defo. And don't forget to instruct them in Crack jumping.
  J'Pec.  Crack jumping? What crack?
  Sno'G. The crack you've just created. Your Crack. The Crack.
  Dill. And while you're about it ask 'em which side of it they'll finish on when they can't jump any more.
  Sno'G. Won't jump any more, more like. But you know, Dill, I feel a snog coming on.
  Dill. Yea! So do I. A super snog, in fact.
  Sno'G. A super dooper snog, I reckon. Not the sort we can have if we stay here, eh?
  Dill. Definitely not. Sorry, but we'll have to leave you two and your excitement here.
  Sno'G. We'll take ours home. And I think we'll have to be quick, Dill. Come on!
  Dill. Coming!  [Exeunt J'Peckle and TTC left Dill and Sno'G right.

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ACT FIVE

SCENE I. Cumbria. A room in Croft Farm.
  Minto and Sno'G watching television.

  Sno'G. That's it, Mint. Waddya think of that? [Switches off TV.
  Mint. Mm. Well. I think. The DVDVD. I think. I think Seven Nights Of Gorwel had a big effect on your life. Well. Not just yours.
Enter DILL.
  Dill. And I think you didn't know I've been watching from the door.
  Mint. Hey Mum! D'you know what SNOG means?
  Dill. Yes. 'Course I do. You do too. You asked me about it the other day. When you said you'd been learning about it at school.
  Mint. Yea. There's another SNOG, though. Seven Nights Of Gorwel. It's more comperliculated than Miss Teacherette said.
  Dill. Comper what? Is this your dad teaching you to speak funny?
  Mint. Dadule, you mean. And it's talk funly.
  Dill. Mm. Right.
  Sno'G. Your mamule's just jealous 'cos she can't do it, Mint. That's right, isn't it?
  Dill. Just thankful I can't, more like. But you're right, Mint. It is more complicated than you learned at school.
  Mint. Well, yea. The snog bit's pretty easy to understand. Can't really see what all the fuss is about.
  Sno'G. Well, half the fuss, Mint, is that being in snog involves a woman. That's always a fuss! Well half of one.
  Dill. Aye. And the other half's a man.
  Sno'G. Hey! You won't be a fuss, Mint, will you? When you meet whoever, will you? But you'll deffo have to learn funny female foibles. Well, how to cope with 'em, at least. That's the tricky bit.
  Mint. Yea! Well, that's in the future. So I've got time to think about it. It's this past that's tricky right now. This stuff on the DVDVD.
  Dill. Yes, Mint. The snog bit's easy to understand, like you said.
  Mint. 'Course. It's just normal. Everybody does it. Well, just about. Having babies is normal. And we all came from a snog.
  Sno'G. So what have you learned then, Mint? What do you think the tricky bit is?
   Mint. Snog Encounters, Dad. Dad.
  Sno'G. [Strikes match] Okay Mint. Mm. Mm. Mm. Sorry. Mm.Mm. I'm listening, Mint. Mm. Mm. Me pipe's gone out.
  Mint. Is that the same baccy, Dad? You've had it since.
  Sno'G. Mm. Yea, I know. Mm. That's it.
  Dill. Talking too much. That's why pipes go out.
  Sno'G. See what I mean, Mint? 'Bout women, I mean.
  Mint. Yea. I shouldn't think many women know how to smoke pipes.
  Dill. Pipes? You mean pipe! One at a time. Can't be that diff.
  Mint. Talking, on the other hand.
  Sno'G. Mm.
  Dill. Right! That'll do. What's all this about Snog Encounters?
  Mint. S'what Dad said just before we watched the DVDVD.
  Sno'G. That's right. It was what the DVDVD was about. Who snogs who?
   Dill. Oh. I see. Now that's complicated. Well, it was in our case, as you've seen, no doubt.
  Mint.  Yea. That's what I mean. They didn't tell us that at school.
  Dill. Well, it'll be different for everyone, won't it? How our parents met. That's where we really come from.
  Sno'G. It's a part of it at least. Snogger meets Snogeress.
  Mint. Aye. But there's more to it, isn't there?
  Dill. Oh?
  Mint. Well, they were on about counter something, or other, at school.
  Sno'G. Contra-snog, you mean?
  Mint. Contra-snog? I'm not sure. Sounds similar. What's that?
  Sno'G. Well, it's where. Hang on! Mm. Mm. Pipe'll go out again, if I'm not. Mm. Mm. Mm.
  Dill. Flippin' 'eck! What a carry on! Are you sure you've got some baccy in that thing?
  Sno'G. Trés funule. Me mam was always saying that. Then she'd reckon I only had one strand in it. I mean, a strand of baccy! What's that? Typical woman, me mam. I mean, how much pipe smoking would she have done?
  Dill. Well, she would be a typical woman, your mam, wouldn't she?
  Mint.  Gran? Deffo. Most typical woman I ever met. She was just having you on, Dad.
  Sno'G. Yea. I know, Mint. I know. Just kidding. Mm. Mm. Mmmmmm. Contra-snog? Mm. Well. More like contra-snog-effect.
  Dill. Good Grief! What are you two on about?
  Sno'G. Tell her, Mint!
  Mint. Oh. Mm. Well, I think it means when you can snog away without having a, a.
  Sno'G. Babule.
  Mint. Yea. A babule.
  Dill. Flippin' 'eck! I know all that.
  Sno'G. Keep up then, Dill. Pay attention.
  Mint. So you can decide to have a babule, or not. Which means there might be other things that decide where you come from, doesn't it?
  Dill. How do you mean, Mint?
  Mint. Well, watching the DVDVD, it seemed that V Day, or aM, or something like that, made you decide to make me born.
  Sno'G. Krekt! C Day in fact. That's why you were bored.
  Mint. Yea. And you said you'd tell me why you talk funny, Dad. Like you just did.
  Dill. 'Cause he's daft, Mint. That's why. There isn't any other reason.
  Sno'G. So there you are, then.
  Mint. Okay. So what's C Day, then? And what's the difference between pM and Aftermathry? And another thing, how come your pipe keeps going out now? It didn't before we watched the DVDVD and you talked just as much then.
  Sno'G. Your mum's here now. She's putting me off.
  Dill. Typical!
  Sno'G. Plus the fact that me pipe was full back then. It's running out now. Harder to keep alight.
  Mint. Right. What about?
  Sno'G. See! I knew you were gonna ask questions at the start of Act Five. I said, didn't I?
  Dill. Just get on with it, for goodness sake!
  Sno'G. Yea okay! Well, you can always watch the DVDVD again, you know. But V Day was the thirteenth of May nineteen seventy seven. Mind you, Mum and I didn't know about that for about another four years, did we?
  Dill. That's right. We didn't.
  Sno'G. Mathry, as in Gorwel, started on June the third that year, or the fourth to be accurate, if you count from the day we arrived at Gorwel, so between V Day and third, or fourth of June is aM, ante Mathry. Yes?
  Mint. Right.
  Dill. We were in Mathry a week.
  Sno'G. Yep. We all returned to Alty on the eleventh. Then J'Peckle and I went home to Barney on the twelfth.
  Dill. With Nibo and Sno'Box.
  Mint. And pM? What's that?
  Sno'G. Post Mathry. The time between the end of Mathry and the day we went to Northwich, which was the twenty fifth of May two years later.
  Mint. Nineteen seventy nine. So what about?
  Sno'G. Aftermathry, yea?
  Mint. Yea. What's the difference between?
  Sno'G. Aftermathry's the effect Mathry has had on us all. It's still going on.
  Mint. Right. Got it. Just leaves C Day.
  Dill. Crack Day. The day The Crack was formally announced. That New Year.
  Sno'G. First of January nineteen eighty two. Great day to pick, eh?
  Mint. Phew! What a carry on! No wonder there's.
  Dill. Aye. You're right, Mint. But there's no need for you to worry about it.
  Mint. No. But.
  Sno'G. No buts, Mint.
  Mint. No. I was just gonna say, wasn't it weird how you both mentioned me without realising that one day I'd be really here.
  Dill. The touch of Déjà Vu thing, you mean?
  Mint. Yea. Weird.
  Dill. Well, obviously you were Mint to be!
  Mint. Hey! That's good, Mum!
  Sno'G. A Mint of things to come!
  Mint. Very good too, Dad. Any way, I suppose I did ask. And I've got the answer, even if it's complicated and mysterious.
  Dill. Exactly! Exactly! Mysterious is exactly what it is. As much to us as to you.
  Mint. Hey! What about that Lyke Wake Walk? Looked great! Can we do it?
  Dill. Don't look at me, Mint. Your dad'll do it with you. I'm not going to walk forty miles, bogs, or no bog. Know why?
  Mint. Because you can't, right? You can, though, Dad, can't you?
  Sno'G. Course I can. So can you, Mint. Course we'll do it.
  Mint. Great! Hey, Mum! Did you really snog that racing driver? Didn't know you were a fan.
  Dill. You'd better believe it on both counts. James Hunt, you mean?
  Mint. What about you, Dad?
  Sno'G. Wouldn't fancy snogging him, Mint.
  Mint. [Giggling] No. I mean do you like motor racing?
  Sno'G. Well, to be honest. Not keen. Not sure we've got any circuits here in Cumbria. Horse racing, mind you. That's good. Your mum's expert at picking winners. Just as long as she doesn't put any money on, mind!
  Mint. Hey! Talking of gambling. Well, rolling dice, I should say. That game, Manipulate, wasn't it? All that stuff about dice, as well. I was trying to follow it. Tried to keep track of the moves too. Amazing!
  Sno'G. Funny you should say that, Mint. See those two pictures on the wall in the hallway.
  Mint. Hey! They weren't there before. Where did they come from?
  Dill. You're not just in a play, Mint. You're on a website as well.
  Sno'G. That's right. You can click on them pics.
  Mint. Website? Click on? What are you on about.?
  Sno'G. Haven't been invented yet, Mint. And you need a compucle, which also hasn't been invented yet. But you're in a play. So it's okay.
  Mint. Compucle? What's a compucle?
  Dill. Being daft again, Mint. He means computer. C'mon. Let's go and click on the pics.
  Mint. Don't know how to click on. Waddya mean?
  Sno'G. Left one shows you detail of the board. Right pic gives you details about the game and the dice.
  Dill. All you have to do is touch them with this pointer. [Picks up pointer and gives to Minto] Come on. I think there's a little quiz in there too.
  Mint. Quiz! Great! Just when I thought I'd learned all the answers! [Exeunt.

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