How long to form a habit?
Not long it seems. Diane and Gene, 33-year dwellers at Croft Farm, day 1-ish rewired, including swiftly shifting switches, still attempt to operate 2016 lights at extinct 1983 wall locations.
On the other hand, (well leg actually), G’s 20-odd year Hull bike nurtured cycle clip habit lay dormant for years after relocating to
bike-less Barnard Castle, erupting
unexpectedly the day G walked to work in his bike clips! Does any bloke folk wear cycle clips any more? Trousers ain’t what they used to be. Neither are trousered blokes, who might well be folkesses, but D&G have yet to see anyone, M or F in bike clips on a Naked Bike Ride.
It’s the naked bit that does it and it’s the naked bit that tends to aim for sun of summer, which given enough attempts will be achieved, as will of course, later or sooner, sunlessness of the grey sort with associated nippiness/sogginess on a scale of zero to one hell of a lot.
And so it came to pass that D&G should be punished for 8 on-the-belt blue sky rides, (5 venues covering ’13, ’14 and ’15) with a 2016 vengeance! The shades-shunning sun was there alright, but rode cycle clipped and mufflered leaving D&G to endure 4 rides in nought but goose bumps. Manchester rained on its ride, though almost imperceptibly and close to warmly, while Brighton’s rain ceased to fall shortly before the ride aligned itself with the shore straight into the nippy gums of a nipple steepling breeze. Cambridge matched Brighton’s sunlessness coldlier still save a shadow forming interlude lasting about a minute of the exaggerated variety.
That left Newcastle-Gateshead. What could England’s northerliest naked ride offer? Well more sun than the other three put together, as it turned out, but it wasn’t Hadrian’s wall to wall belonging to anyone else. The brief rain shepherded Tyne crossing on the High Level Bridge was equally high and level, as in horizontal, but there was warmth too, occasionally of the radiant sort, unoccasionally to finish.
THE MYSTERY OF MANCHESTER Manchester WNBR Friday 10th June 2016
D&G couldn't find a published Manchester route, but matched their ride photos with street scenes from Google Maps and came up with a digi-guess ... All Saints Park - Oxford Road under Mancunian Way - Left into Whitworth Street West - Deansgate - Victoria Bridge over Irwell - Left into Chapel Street - Left into New Bailey Street - Albert Bridge over Irwell into Bridge Street - Across Deansgate into John Dalton Street and Princess Street - Left into Cooper Street and Fountain Street - Into High Street and Nicholas Croft - Right into Shudehill - Right into Thomas Street - Right into High Street - Left into Church Street and Dale Street - Right into Newton Street - Bear Right into Portland Street - Minshall Street or Chorlton Street - Right into Canal Street - Across Sackville Street - Left into Princess Street - Right into Charles Street - Left into Oxford Road under Mancunian Way - Left into Sidney Street - Right into Grosvenor Street - Across Oxford Road into Cavendish Street -All Saints Park.
It's fun Google Mapping ride photos and a pre-known route helps. This was the first time D&G have route sussed with the little yellow man - and yes, Google's frockless little yellow person is definitely male! It wasn't Manchester's fault that G mislaid his bike computer just before the ride, so no data - distance, speed and ilk, but the early evening ride took about an hour and a half, 50% more than suggested. Over 200 folk rode what Manchester billed as their 10th ride, but their Wiki page indicates rides yearly since 2006, making 2016 their 11th. There's an issue here - like the "can't count to ten" affliction that led to 3rd Millennium celebrations a year early in 2000, but see Brighton below* 'cos they've got it right! .........*When D&G say "Brighton below" they don't mean south, which it is. They mean
Now there's an idea .... but this isn't it. It's just a scrollable panel banging on about body art, as in D&G's strugglements therewith.
2013 London D&G body painted (simple stuff) at venue. Ditto York, prob their most effective paint job so far.
2014 London as above, but Canterbury & York D&G clothed rode pre-painted to venue. Some paint damage, needed touch-up aka repair. Coulda been worse. And that considers not the effect of WNBR rain, to date unknown to D&G. So switch to "Tattoos", as in removable, as in temporary, as in what we as kids called "Transfers", as in not really tattoos at all, as in they'll be waterproof for deffo. Also can spend yonks-a-plenty designing/preparing/buggering about pre-prioring. So ......
2015 London, Brighton temp tattoos sub-clobber transferred body-applied to venue. All OK ... but ... Bristol's ditto not OK for G.
D's female so might "glow" if pushed. G's maleness guarantees perspiration, even over titchy distance on a bonkersly hot pre-ride ride. Rain on fake tattoo OK, moistureness under same unOK. Result ... G's body art a right F-ing mess! D attempted repair ... and F knows what the result woulda been if the untattoo had've been applied to a potentially sweaty 'orse, (where it's the sweat that's potential, not the 'orse). And it's the result that actually was that matters, not all the other thingments the Universe is capable of, (including the grammatically correct version, which ends ... of which the Universe is capable.) Please note, or just bloody well note ...Universe has an upper case initial letter as explained elsewhere, as in somewhere else. All this led to an understandable cock-up, which was anything but understandable pre-cock-up. Had it been said cock-up woulda had no pre-.
2017 Manchester. Apply "tattoos" at venue to avoid Pre-Ride Ride Perspiration Initiated and Enhanced Prior Buggerment (PRRPPI&EPB).
Follows a list of things that can (will) go wrong ...
1. God is against you.
2. The Laws of Physics are against you.
3. The Laws of The Universe are against you.
4. It's just typical.
5. There's something you haven't thought of .... OK that's enough 'cos there are loads of other things that can go wrong.
What did go wrong was Manchester's weather. Well, to be fair, (although why in Manchester's case is a mystery), it could've happened anywhere, except where it couldn't, like on the Moon, for obvious reasons.
Temp "tattoos" have a backing paper, (on the back - clever, eh?) and a transparent front bit covering the adhesive, which has to be removed, (covering bit, not adhesive) before applying, tricky at the best of times, more so when you're hopping around naked in front of a gathering audience. Adhesive exposed the thingy is presented to the skin and then, (and only then), the backing paper is moistened, (sponge and titchy bottle of water having been brung for that purpose), enabling it (backing) to slide off leaving the design skinside. D&G now know that the hopping naked difficulty is increased no end if it is raining, is going to, or has been, which was the case at Manchester. It had been tossing down all afternoon, then stopped for D&G's ride to the start, but there was enough damp suggestion of rain in the air to render the "tattoo" job an unfolding calamity of the potential sort as backing paper got soggier as well as more soggy. Diane's (done first) were reasonably successful, Gene's were a disaster. Two didn't happen at all. Any photo you see of G with sun motifs on his chest are faked! D&G didn't make things easy with a fairly involved design of course and the flicking pics top page
L&R give some idea of the gold/silver lettering that should've appeared on their naked fronts along with eclipse/phases on pubic bits specially "cleared" for the occasion, (and retained thus for the WNBR season), as well as G&D as Sun and Moon respectively, as part of bike-borne "Heavenly Body" messages.
All a bit ambitious 'cos Manchester's ride remained warmish but damp enough to say it was just about raining even if it wasn't. It taught a lesson too. D&G applied "tattoos" pre-venue for Brighton, Cambridge and Newcastle/Gateshead later in 2016.
To make Temporary tattoos the D&G way buy inkjet tattoo paper, (e.g. Crafty Computer Paper) after you've made sure your printer will take it, (it's quite thick stuff). Print your design, (on the glossy, non backing paper side), then stick the transparent adhesive carrier over the design , without creating air bubbles, (tricky!). This is the bit you'll eventually remove while hopping naked, or otherwise, before applying. The paper's expensive, (more than a quid an A4 sheet even in quantity), so don't cock it up. Anything that matters, (like wording), has to be laterally inverted, as in mirror imaged, otherwise it will come out reversed. D&G try to fill the sheet with design, (it's too expensive to waste). Manchester's "tattoo" difficulty annoyment was magnified 'cos the designs involved much silver and gold, not exactly inkjet printable. Gene used silver and gold marker pens to hand colour printed outline "tattoo" sheets and it took him yonks!
WNBR Message. Banging on accusatorially about (naughty) motorists killing (goody-goody) cyclists isn't really on, speshly when WNBR itself accomodates bike idiots like the three at Manchester who wove in and out of the group pulling wheelies and other barmy stunts. They came within a CCH of de-biking D&G and got a bloody good bollocking. For CCH see elsethere.
are here
The route was the same as 2015's and is shown in the programme, (clickable right), also shown more clearly in 2015's programme, (see "A Pair of Aces"). Brighton like Manchester has had rides every year since 2006 and says (correctly) that 2016 is the 10th Anniversay. Manchester does
not appear to recognise that an annual event's nth anniversary marks the (n+1)th event. Also as noted on "A Pair of Aces" Brighton's record includes two rides in 2009, which would make 2016 the 12th, but March 2009's, a promotional ride involving a small number, leaves 2016 as the 11th, like Manchester's.
Info from G's cycle computer ... distance 8.71miles, max speed 12.6mph, average speed 5.8mph, riding time 1hr. 29m. Overall time was considerably more due to "rest stops", where folk do the opposite of rest! (see video). 2016 was 15mins faster than 2015, (weather?)
As has been noted elsesomewhere, this is bollocks! Well to be polite, testicles, in which case ovaries too. Well known 'tis that you can be nude without having sex, as well as have sex without being nude, but you can never separate your sexuality from you, naked or not. So, is your awareness of your sexuality enhanced, unchanged, or diminished when your sexual bits and everyone else's are enjoying a one-ish off airing? Well, the answer sure ain't "diminished"! Sex is wonderful, should be celebrated and can be celebrated naked without creating offence. A bike in a Naked Bike Ride is just the vehicle. D&G celebrated their F/M sexuality at Manchester with Moon and Sun in silver and gold and at Brighton with Roll and Rock in the colours nature gave to all. I Love Rock and Roll D&G like the music too!
As part of the aforementioned, (as in above), D&G decided to wear lots of colour, (but not on their sexy bits) and a picture of their sexy partner on their backs. To make said partner-pic recognisable (and sexy) she/he would have to appear exactly as on the ride itself, i.e. naked but wearing lots of colour. Mmm. Tricky. Means knowing not only what D&G are gonna look like on the day, but at any ride venue pre-dating Brighton. Manchester required pubic bits cleared to accomodate "tattoos", so Brighton's partner-pics, photographed in advance of the rides, would require cleared same bits even if they were not gonna be "used" except as bare bits, which was in fact the case. Follow? So D&G had to go out into their garden, strip off and photograph each other. Oh! What will the neighbours say? Well ,they (D&G, not the neighbours), did it (the photography), when it was dark. No, not to prevent anything to do with neighbours, to ensure a black background. D&G stood on their pic-nic table with the night sky behind to be photographed with cleared relevant bits and wearing nowt but exactly what they would be wearing at Brighton, including a chest "ROBINSON" rainbow "tattoo". The resulting photos were then printed, (laterally inverted, see SCROLLABLE BODY ART above) onto "tattoo" paper to create the body decorations worn at Brighton. Apart from "jewellery" D&G between them wore blue, orange, green, red shoes, pink, green, orange, yellow leg-warmers (glad of on the day) & hats blue and purple.
for 33 photographs in Picture Gallery below
D&G parked their campervan, Croft Van II on the route in Kingsway near Hove Lawns Rest Stop.
The ride passed the campervan before the Rest Stop. D&G managed to take photos in passing.
RED Border ... Photographs taken 12th May 2016 in Croft Farm's garden. Photographs used to make decorations for D&G's backs.
GREEN Border ... Photographs taken 12th June 2016 at the start of the Brighton WNBR 2016 at The Level.
BLUE Border ... Photographs taken 12th June 2016 riding from The Level to first "Rest Stop" at Hove Lawns.
Pics above are clickable uppable, as are those below, which cover the two rest stops, (Hove Lawns and Old Steine) and the ride between them.
D&G were a bit naughty stopping to take these van pics.
They got in theway of some riders. Sorry if you were one of 'em.
Brighton WNBR 2016 Hove Lawns to Old Steine
Click up de pics!
Hectic stuff goes on at Brighton's "Rest Stops". The video lower down the page was shot by Diane and is a moving version of much of the stuff in the yellow gallery above. "Moving" as in motion & emotion!
The band is "PHANTOM LIMBS" Galleries below cover the ride from Old Steine right onto the beach.
One photo by Gene in the
yellow gallery is worthy of
Pic of the Day
Above ... The ride from Old Steine to Volks Railway Station finish.
Right ... Last year D queued for icecream, G's turn this year. D had a lolly and knew how to lick it! The icecream man asked if he could take D&G's pic! Below ... PHANTOM LIMBS at Volks Station. D&G on Brighton Beach.
Saturday 18th June 2016
Route, (good map on their Wiki site) … Parker’s Piece – Regent Terrace – Regent Street – St. Andrew’s Street – Hobson Street – King Street – Victoria Avenue – Cross River Cam – Chesterton Road
Cambridge WNBR 2016
Click dem pics!
– Northampton Street – Queen’s Road – Newnham Road – Fen Causeway – Cross River Cam – Trumpington Road – Brooklands Avenue – Hills Road – Cherry Hinton Road – Perne Road – Brooks Road – Coldhams Lane – Newmarket Road – East Road – Gonville Place – Parker’s Piece. Info from G’s Cycle computer … distance 7.95 miles, max speed 11.3mph, average speed 5.9mph riding time 1hr. 19min.
The ride took about 1hr. 45min. Rest stop Swiss Laundry, Cherry Hinton Road. Cambridge's 2nd Naked Bike Ride and D&G’s second on tandem.
Gallery above left had 55 pics - awkward, (55 product of 2 primes). Remove 1=54 with more factors. No. 55 clickable pic here
Video (left) is Brighton taking up some of Cambridge's space. Best to scroll it off-screen before clicking up galleries above.
Note
C
R
O
L
L
Oxford had one ride, then faultered. Cambridge seemed to be going strong, so D&G parked their campervan in Oxford Road and biked to Parker’s Piece for the start. Amazing what you learn going clobberless around the country. In 1863 Parker’s Piece gave birth to Association Football, as in Rules of, as in FA adopted Cambridge University’s footie version. So in one go D&G formed their WNBR link to a soccer pitch that links to a University neither of them was up at. Well, G has been if not up at, at least at. Likewise Oxford. Gene the minibus driver delivered Cockermouth School 6th Formers to both Universities’ open days on several occasions and has not only kipped at both, but actually got away with a pink sleeve-challenged shirt of the untuckable-in variety minus tie at High Table at The Queen’s College, Oxford. Could be unique, but has bugger all to do with WNBR.
How to link a posh University, or at least a posh University’s home with WNBR? Wear mortar boards, green ones, (which meant constructing them), green shoes and green nowt else aboard a green tandem, which can’t be translated into Latin ‘cos it already is.* Great! All that’s needed is the Latin for Cambridge the Romans neither uttered nor heard of until after they’d buggered off and Tandem Cantabrigia on the back of the bike says it all in green, save a touch of Cambridge Blue and “tattoos” of City of Cambridge’s badge on the still specially maintained pubic bald patches**.
Note * Tandem is already Latin, not green or owt else in that sentence and if Tandem Cantabrigia doesn't mean "Cambridge at last" or similar then it bloody well should, which gets D&G out of saying they'll eat their hats, (or actually eating them), which considering they were 11inch squares of the rigid variety would have been quite some mouth(s)ful!
Note ** Latin for "pubic bald patches" doesn't readily spring to the minds of D&G but it matters not 'cos it ain't the point. Pubic bald patches in any language is/are (the point) and once you've gone to the trouble of creating your pubic clearing, said clearing tends to grow on you, (except it's actually the ungrowing that's growing on you), so the tendency is to lengthen the period of minimum length, where minimum is zero, (near enough).
'T'was a grey and chilly Cambridge day with but a brief touch of Sun's rays near the end of the ride. The questionable water resistance of the mortar boards was not tested. Over 100 folk participated, unfortunately, as with most smaller scale rides, mostly male, a problem WNBR might want to address, though D&G readily confess to having not a clue as to how! ***
The route was flat and by and large minus tricky bits so, as D&G expected, "tandem friendly" (ugh!) It's a pity it didn't get a titchy bit more intimate with the heart of the city, but maybe that's an issue the organisers have encountered.
*** Is the apparent male preponderance on smaller rides a genuine phenomenon, or is the naked rider sex ratio (NRSR) the same whatever the ride size, just less obvious with bigger numbers? Either way questions arise. See TTTTC.
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